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Friends past and present

I’ve never needed many friends around me. I’m just not one of those people, so why is it that now I have none, I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back; forgotten and laid to waste alongside other forgotten memories like some seedy past that everyone seems to be ashamed of? 

I used to think that I had a friend in the world. Just one. One who stood beside me while my world fell into ruins. One who used to come to my side when she knew I needed her the most… I never needed to ask, never needed to tell her I needed her. She was the first person I told when I made the big step and left my abusive ex husband. The one I told when I fell pregnant every time. 

I thought surely our friendship was infallible, unbreakable and stood the very greatest of tests: time. But it seems our time has passed. It has been a year now since we spoke face to face, Skye is now almost 5 months old and my best friend still hasn’t made time to come and see her. I’ve tried, oh gosh how I’ve tried to get her over here to meet the baby I so desperately craved. Yet still, she ignores my requests, my emails remain unanswered and the one person whom I thought incapable of abandoning me seems to have done just that.

It’s as if a giant great big sink hole has opened up underneath my feet and I can no longer see the outer edges. I’m so hurt and confused. It’s very rare that something happens and I fail to comprehend its meaning yet here I sit, tears streaming down my cheeks, my mind whizzing and whirring, trying to find some kind of reasoning for her actions..

We’ve had times in the past where we’ve gone months without talking, and a year without seeing each other, but all we have had to do is pick up the phone and she’s been there and vice versa. This time is different. It feels different and I’ve tried calling and emailing to no avail.

Did I do something wrong? Have I committed some crime that I’m not to know about? I don’t think I’m quite yet ready to have her give up on me and phase into the background. I don’t want to lose her; I’m more scared of that than I would be of losing my own life. I was there last year when she married, as she was for me. She was there for me when my world repeatedly collapsed in on itself, she was there when I needed someone to stand at my back and guard me against the horrors of life.

She was there when I thought nobody else would be.

But not now. And I feel alone.

In the past, when I’ve felt lonely or scared, it was okay because I knew she was there… What do I do now? Where do I go from here?

 

I guess the only place I can go is forward, and hope that somewhere along the road I’m walking, she’ll be there waiting, wondering where I went. I would like to think that she’s just waiting for the right moment and then all will be okay again, that maybe there’s something she can’t yet tell me…

Who am I kidding? Maybe I’m just destined to have people walk in and out of my life without a care. I’m so hurt.

I have a wonderful support network around me from all of the other July ’13 mummies I have met both online and some in person throughout the last year and they really are wonderful… I will hopefully carve out some pretty meaningful friendships with each and every one of them, but will I be able to regain a shred of what I have lost? Probably not. Will I be able to fill the gaps with a new kind of connection? 

Time itself is the only thing which can answer that question.

My heart and soul are screaming out tonight. Begging for some kind of comfort…  

 
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Posted by on December 20, 2013 in Update

 

Of gingerbread men and mistletoe kisses…

I’ve decided to re-open this blog and perhaps it can offer an outlet for my inner musings again, like it used to in years past. Things have been stewing in my head for too long and for a while, I lost who I was again; too afraid of the sunshine outside my window, preferring instead to sit inside and watch the rest of the world smile at the sky.

Things have been really busy the last few months, with having a new baby in the house, planning our first christmas as a family of 4 and all the associated shopping, school runs, cooking and cleaning that entails. I am however still very much in love with my wonderful daughter’s father, with all that he is and all he makes me. I may be steering a little too closely to PND territory again, I still have bad days… I have days where getting out of bed in the mornings seems a little too difficult but there he is, waiting.

Yes, we argue and as much as any other couple we have our grievances and our trials but on the whole, he breathes life into me, picking up the pieces as he walks deliberately in my shadow, waiting for my stumbles so that he might catch me and place my feet firmly back on the ground. If there were ever two people who were destined to be together, I would be completely aghast if it were not he and I, written into the books of everlasting.

Afterall, he gave me my miracle. He gave me the little girl I so oft dreamt of.

He gave me a reason to smile, when all my sorrows became to heavy for my shoulders alone to bear.

So, what do I want for Christmas this year I hear you ask?
Nothing.
Not a thing.
Except a promise that he will allow me to remain at his side until time itself deem that my time on this earth has been too plentiful.
A promise that he too, will stay by me, holding my hand through the torrential downpours inside the storm I call a soul. Until the clouds break, revealing nothing but a shining sun. And then beyond, into the forever; into the after.

Wherever that may be.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2013 in Update

 

Obsessions of a split mind

Yesterday, I posted the new Acid Black Cherry PV for 未来予想図II. 

Today, I managed to grab their new album, despite it not being out until tomorrow! (don’t you just love the internet!) So I was able to listen to the song as many times as I liked without the intro sequence and the poor quality of Youtube’s audio streamer. 

I’ve always felt more drawn to music than I have to other pursuits. I feel more at ease with a good song than I do any person alive. Often, I find this occurs from the very first note of a song I’ve never heard before, without even knowing why. 

未来予想図II is one of those songs. As soon as I heard it, I was instantly taken in by it’s power, it’s tonality and it’s depth. 

And listening now, I have just found the reason why. 

How often do you hear a song but not hear it at the same time? Do you take in all it has to offer? The lyrics, the chord progressions, the bassline? I know that I do not always hear the bassline of a song, nor the chord progressions. Not consciously anyway, and yet tonight, I put the headphones in so that I could have the music up as loud as I liked without my daughter waking. 

And what I heard… was nothing but pure magic! Not often do I hear something that completely blows me away, steals my breath and leaves me dumbfounded and unable to express what exactly I am hearing. My heart instantly began to race, my little skittle jumping in joy within my abdomen. Perhaps she too feels the music in my veins, coursing through his/hers as it is my own. The whole song was exactly as I heard it before, only amplified… 

Except for that chord progression… Two, three, four times during the chorus. 3 simple chords each time… SO prominent, yet hidden from the auditory range of my ears without the aid of headphones unless I really focus on it…  Yet while I listen through the headphones, it becomes louder than the rest of the song, almost like a secret, whispering to me, almost seeming to talk to my subconscious.

It is these “secret” basslines and hidden chords that make music so magical to me, so amazingly sweet, yet somewhat bitter at the same time. Moments like these are few and far between and honestly, though it make me sound odd and perhaps completely insane, I feel as though I live for them. 

I live for the hidden in-between chords that other people skip over without a second thought. I live for those sudden heart-stopping moments that have me on the precipice of hyperventilation. 

I have heard those same 3 chords before. In another song, in another life. Somehow, I feel they are important to me, like they are trying to tell me something. 

Perhaps it is nothing, but perhaps it is everything. 

We all have something we live for, don’t we? Why not live for the silent moments? The moments that leave us breathless, those which – to an outsider- would seem incomprehensibly insignificant. I’m sat here, tears streaming down my face, trying with all my might to figure out where those chords have been heard before, where they come from and what they might mean. 

If my boyfriend were to turn around now and see me in this state, he’d likely think I’d gone insane. I’m not crying through fear, or pain, or even for any single reason I can put my finger on. 

They’re power. Pure, solid, whole power… and I feel them streaming through me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Even now, as I’m writing this, still crying, I cannot stop listening to this one song. 

I’ve actually lost count of how many times I have listened to it already today. It has to be at least 25… and each time, those chords… they get more and more powerful and prominent. 

Moments like these… they make me wonder who I really am. I’m neither manic nor depressed in these moments. It’s as though I have this amazing clarity and am somehow floating, not in my own body, but external from all bodies. Like fluid motion, passing through galaxies, through life, and everything is so crystal… and nothing is important.. like I’m seeing the future AND the past – all at the same time. 

 

gosh, I need help >_<

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2013 in Update

 

Map Of The Future

Taking a brief long pause from my assignment, I feel rather contemplative of everything that’s happened. I’ve also been back-reading through my own blog and am somewhat shocked with how much of it I have conveniently hidden away in a part of my subconscious I thought I had discarded.

I thought that over the last few years, I had thrown away all the dusty boxes containing my old memories, that I had come to terms with them and had finally cleared the dust out of my closet. Clearly, I must have been mistaken and reading back on some of my posts from those not-so-clear moments in my life has only served to re-open some of the wounds from those periods – the ones from which I thought I may never escape.

How long are we to stare into our past and take it as precedence by which to set our futures? Are we destined to look forever backwards and never reach our full potentials, too afraid of what we were and the possibility that someday we might retreat back into those moments that we wish we could forget? I can’t say honestly that it is something I wish to ever do. I fear the revisiting of those moments in my life and unfortunately, a bi-product of that fear is the never being able to let go that I so desire. And so I must walk through the rest of this lifetime with this burden on my shoulder and a frequent stab-in-the-heart reminder that things never were and never will be perfect; that there IS no such thing as perfect. There is only the possibility of better, and if that is all that life has to offer, then I would be foolish not to take it.

And so, what of the future? If I am to be followed by ghosts then wouldn’t it be wiser to walk hand-in-hand with them than to have them at my back, having to look over my shoulder constantly awaiting their inevitable re-absorption into my soul? I like to think so. I’ve tried forgetting them. I’ve tried denying them and now, the time has come to accept them, embrace them and hope with all my might that they have made me a stronger, if not better, person because of them. I can’t take these things back. I can’t will them away no matter how hard I try; they are simply there, yet not there, at the same time. I dare not let them consume me but I cannot deny them for if I do, I would be denying myself.

I have to set a course for my future, for our future.

I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t see him, I didn’t see myself here; nor did I see the past before it happened. It isn’t possible and it isn’t possible in hindsight to take it away again. I suppose what I’m getting at is that perhaps this is what some people call “fate”. I don’t believe in it for two seconds. I am not that foolish, nor that willing to believe in some higher power controlling my every move and the inevitable outcomes of decisions I am yet to make. They are mine to make and those choices alone will shape the course of my life and where I am to end up.

But does that mean that there are many alternative realities which I could possibly be living right now? I shouldn’t have thought so. Perhaps, in some small way, we make the choices we make because of some unknown foresight, that we cannot be privvy to should we stray from what some might call our “true path” or “destiny”. I like to think that I make the decisions I make because I believe that they will take me to the right place – much like we choose the route we drive based on the volume of traffic, the time it will take to reach our destinations and the likelihood that we will arrive there in good timing. I also like to believe that the people in our lives make decisions equal to those we would make, due to some mutual need to gain common ground, that people perhaps gravitate together not through “fate” or “destiny” but because somehow, their consciousnesses also wish to gain the highest value from their destinations – that they too might take them to the right place in their lives. It is simply the cross roads where our lives meet where we choose what is to happen to our individual paths and the choices we make, be it consciously or not, determine whether or not we end up on the same path or different ones.

I made the choices. I put myself on this path and I alone must deal with its daemons, as I must its ghosts and its pleasantries. However, I think the fault with my mind lies within my ability to decide my future.

It has been this lack of fore planning which leaves me feeling somewhat empty at times. I fear the unknown, but I fear failure even more.

So I must plan my future. I must spread the map ahead of me and decide which path I wish to take and how best to get there, taking my past with me.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you cannot leave your past behind. No matter how hard you try. All it does is sit behind you, like a massive weight chained to your ankles, forbidding you to move further forward, halting your progress at every opportunity.

I would like to hope that when I reach my end destination, he is there with me, at my side, both of us bearing our ghosts, hand in hand. I hope that to be the case. But I cannot know for sure.

Hope. Perhaps our only weapon against the ghosts we must walk with during our time on this planet.

どうかこの指輪を受け取ってくれませんか.

I’ll never stop asking. Maybe one day, your path will lead you to asking me. And I’ll wait. Patiently. I know where the crossroads lie now, I’ll not take another step until you reach me.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Update

 
Image

My little miracle <3

skittle13 weeks

So, I mentioned last time how much had changed…
Here’s the biggest change of all!

I spent so many nights alone, crying, worrying about how I may not be able to have any other children, how I may not be able to give my wonderful Glenn a child of his own… After everything, I was even considering starting a savings account to put some money towards IVF, just so that we would have the slightest hope.

However, on the 8th November, my daughter’s 5th birthday, I got the BEST gift that anyone could ever give me…

I got a positive pregnancy test!!!

I was completely shit-scared out of my wits, waiting for everything to suddenly fall apart and go wrong; waiting for the inevitable…
But it never came…

12 weeks later, here I sit, almost 16 weeks pregnant, a tiny little life inside of me, moving, swallowing, her (or his!) own little fingerprints etched on the tips of her fingers, growing stronger and stronger every day…

I feel so lucky and truly more in love than I have ever been ❤ Being blessed with such beauty, so early on in our relationship has done nothing but convince me that Glenn and I were truly meant to be.

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2013 in Update

 

Wow! So much has changed..

Since I last updated, so much in my life has changed!

I cut ties with the American… He was holding me back so much from what I wanted and after 18 continuous months of struggling and saving and trying my damndest to find a way for us to be together, I realised that the feeling wasn’t mutual and I was not wanted as much as I thought I was.

Oh well! As it turns out, all I needed had been staring me in the face the whole time, knocking at my door, waiting for any kind of sign that I may have recognized the huge potential that my life had to offer.

So I tossed aside the chains, threw away the keys that held my heart together and took a chance; made a giant leap of faith… And landed in possibly the best place I could have done. I have met my true soulmate.. my one… the one who has proven many many times in such a short 6 months; that maybe… just maybe everyone does have an equal part of them… a puzzle piece they travel their lives to find.

And because of him, I can move forward. No more are the days of the clouds, the storms looming above my head, threatening me with their thunderous fever. Gone are the days where I would sit for hours in waiting for something to come along and give me a reason to smile.

Finally, I have my reason.

And life has never looked better.

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2013 in Update

 

Kony2012 – a social experiment

I bet that 90% of the blogging community have mentioned this topic at least once in the last 7 days. I am no different to them, however; I will not be contemplating whether or not Joseph Kony should be killed or captured. I will not be discussing the legitimacy of the movement, the Invisible Children or the LRA.

What I want to try and achieve is to point out something that 99% of the online world seems to have missed from the Kony2012 video. I have even attempted to research my own thoughts to see how many of them are shared by other individuals, yet my search has yielded nothing. Zip, zilch, zero. How can it be that so many are blind to it? Or perhaps I have just read too much into this and have my own crazy conclusions. I will let you read and be the judge of it.

Did you watch the video and immediately “like” it? Did you “share” it? Were you one of over 40million people who watched the video and responded by posting it on your social media networks, shared with friends, family, colleagues? The new neighbours who moved in just moments ago?
Did you also then follow it? Research it? Did you donate to the cause? Buy their “cover the night” pack?

If so, you are no different to many others. I myself shared the video with a few friends because IF (and that’s a strong if) “Kony” is indeed committing these crimes, then he needs to be stopped. The methods and means are not for me to debate.

BUT! How many of you REALLY paid any attention to the video?

I have infront of me a transcript of the entire video, including footnotes of the scenes played. Right at the beginning, the narrator puts an idea into our heads, planting the seeds for the “experiment” he is conducting.

Yes, I said “experiment”. The entire video, the consequences taken by us, the public and the subsequent “campaign” is nothing but a social experiment. They want to see how we would all react to something, pushing the boundries of social media and determining just how powerful the “regular” people of the world can be. If anything, it has so far been a success, we have as a collective, followed them blindly in the masses, pledging allegiance to something we have very little knowledge about, and many of us are probably not even overly concerned about the LRA’s affairs as it doesn’t directly affect us in any way and is unlikely to make a single impact on our lives. And yet still we shared the video, ranted and raved about the travesties committed in Uganda and whether or not the Invisible children were legit. Hundreds of blogs have been popping up, stating that the I.C are scammers, that they’re only out for the money. Others have said that Joseph Kony is dead, that he was killed years ago.

I say that no matter what, the I.C and the Kony2012 campaign is genius. The biggest social media experiment that the world has ever seen.

Why do I think this has been an experiment? Well, because they told us, it’s just that no-one seems to have been paying attention.

Let me demonstrate the points that SO many people seem to have missed..

00:02 – 00:07    “Nothing is more powerful than an idea who’s time has come”

00:24 – 00:32    “Right now there are more people on Facebook than there were on the planet 200 years ago”

00:35 – 00:44     “Humanity’s greatest desire is to belong and connect. And now we see each other, we hear                       each other.

Right here. This is where it starts. The narrator is putting ideas in our heads, telling us that this video will be about Facebook, the social media and how we connect.
IF the video was all about “Kony” and his “capture” then why wouldn’t they start with that? Normally when we watch a video, the first 30 seconds is what grabs our attentions, the way our minds are programmed to take a snapshot of the information – the initial “opening” is ALWAYS designed to introduce the topic. So why, in this video, did they decide to spend the first minute talking about social media and the human desire to interact with one another? Let me explain further…

01:34 – 01:43      “The next 27 minutes are an experiment. But in order for it to work, you have to pay attention.”

How many of you missed this crucial information? How many of you let this 9 second segment of a video pass by without a second thought? Did everyone get too swept up in the emotive music? The way that “Gavin” was used in the video? It takes a total of 8:45 before the narrator even mentions Kony. Even then, his name is only mentioned 45 times in the context of the half-hour long video, which strikes me as a little odd as the entire point of the video is to raise awareness.

Point number 2:
How many people had even heard of Kony before this? I know I hadn’t. My friends hadn’t and I’ll be willing to bet that the majority of you hadn’t either. In order for an experiment like this to work, you would need a subject which will have maximum impact; Something that would make people feel emotion. Afterall, emotion is the catalyst for most of our actions. The greater the emotion, the higher the response – it’s a common tactic used in psychology and something that the charities use to gain support. (All those commercials you see on the t.v. asking for donations to help the sick dying children, or the animals etc etc etc.) For most of us, this video was the first time we’d heard of Kony and his actions. Then we are shown shocking images, fed statistics which appear to be legitimate. All of this is intended to gain a response from us…

But an experiment also needs direction. It needs somewhere to progress to and something we can quantify with results. How do we do that with a video? Sure, we could get 70million people to “share” it. Sure, we can have popstars, actors and well known officials “support” the cause, but did any of you stop and think why those particular people were chosen? George Clooney? Rhiannah? Why did they choose people who everyone would recognize, as opposed to say – Benedict Cumberpatch or, Matt Bellamy? (Who are they I hear you cry!)
By picking out faces that 99% of the public could recognize, they’re adding weight to the emotional response. Afterall, if “popular” role-models do something, we’re bound to follow right?
Sure we are. Like sheep. But where is this direction? How will they measure the success of their experiment?

Cover the night.

There’s one more thing that any stable experiment needs. Time. You need to allow your “experiment” to propagate. To stabilise and so that you can effectively judge the long-term effect that your tests yield. Even in Chemistry, we allow a substance <i>time</i> to dissolve . We give reagents <i>time</i> to react with each other. The Kony2012 experiment needed “time” to react, with a goal at the end (much like the goal of mixing hydrogen and oxygen is to end up with water). Cover the night is being planned for the 20th April.. A full 6 weeks after the launch of the video.
To date, the video stands at a whopping 73,999,551 views. (As of 14:42 12/03/2012) and has been active for 6 days. If we were to take the growth of the video as steady, that would result in 12,333,258.5 views per day, 86,332,809.5 per week and a staggering 517,996,857 Views in the 6 weeks between when the video was posted and the “cover the night” campaign.

There are currently 6,840,507,003 people on our planet. Now imagine if just under 1/10th of the entire world’s population were to “cover the night” as they suggested. These figures are just astonishing. Numbers like these could easily be quantified and as such, the experiment concluded. Numbers are needed to evaluate an experiment, and the best way to gain these numbers and statistics is by following the post count, the comments, the “followers” on social media networks. Even I keep track of how many people view this blog via my stats –  I expect the I.C team are no different, and they must be pleased with what they have seen so far.

I guess that their end goal is irrelevant, but they are testing us all. Testing our ability to follow them without even thinking about what the KONY movement is. They have set the wheels in motion. They have even TOLD us that we are part of an experiment (those of you who have studied psychology and sociology will know that you will yield different results when conducting experiments on “knowing” participants and “non-knowing” participants) What the I.C have done here is very clever. They have optimized their results by making us knowledgeable about the experiment, but then taken away the response of such information by overloading us with emotive language and imagery, designed to provoke us into making a spontaneous response based on what we have seen in the video. Everything that they have done has been designed to track us, to get real-time statistics of how “well” their experiment is doing – they have been giving out “numbered” bracelets.. (Numbered?! What purpose would that serve for US? nothing. But to them? It’s merely another way of checking the progress of their experiment) They have said we can “geotag” where we are “covering the night” (Another quantifiable method of tracking their progress.. How many people will “check in” I wonder?)

Throughout the entire video, the narrator makes continuous references to Facebook, to social media. He veers off the topic of him and his organisation to discuss Mark Zuckerberg, give statistics of social media and its role in current affairs. Very rarely are statistics given as to the number of people they CURRENTLY have following their cause. Very few are the mentions of current legislative bodies supporting them and very very very sparce is the information as to what they are physically doing. Instead, they are asking US, the “social media masses” to participate and “make him famous” …

And then there’s the countdown that pops up every so often, this is supposed to remind us of the “time” left in the initial phase of the experiment, the “idea” phase. Once the counter is at 00:00:00? The narrator repeats his first opening statement “Nothing is more powerful than an idea who’s time has come”, followed by saying “there are 3 things that you can now do” … Yet not ONE of them is “nothing”

This is yet another trick used in social experimentation, particularly in psychology. You give the public “choices” of what they can do, but don’t tell them that they can choose to do nothing. When faced with a choice as outlined in the video, MOST people would choose one of the options shown rather than searching for an alternative. It’s a very powerful way of ensuring participation whilst ensuring your participants are willing (or at least making them think they are)

The I.C have made a VERY substantial experiment out of us all. They have followed all the necessary steps, given us many chances to participate or not. Yet they have been very clever and done it in a way in which many of you didn’t even realise that you were part of the study.

Kony2012, Social experiment or not? I am inclined to believe that the entire thing is just a set up, that we are all just pawns in a giant game where the only intention is to see how willing we all are to follow a group of people and expand and react on an idea which we have very little information. If you knew it was a social experiment, would you still “share” the video? Would you still comment? Would you “Cover the night”?

Afterall, if a small, unheard of group such as the I.C can invoke such a heavy response using subtly played emotive tactics, who’s to say the next government won’t do the same thing? How long will it be until we vote based purely on video views and social media strategies? It won’t be long until the current generation of electorates are in the past and our “social media” generation are running for presidency. There are already campaigns growing ahead of the next election, in a few years time, we may see the results of such an experiment playing in the big-time leagues, prompting us all to vote in a certain direction. To decide on laws and mandates to be passed.

Social media has the power to do great things. But never, EVER forget – That which has the power to do good, also has the power for evil if we allow it.

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2012 in Update

 

Heartache and Tears; Romance and fears

I’d wait forever just to see you once more
with each day that my heart aches for you
I take it as a sign that somewhere, you are thinking of me

ずっと ずっと そばにいて
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been awol lately and for that I apologize, the last few weeks have been very tough and I’ve spent the first 4-5 days in a zombiefied state, closing off the world, wanting to absorb inside myself and disappear into my own pit of ugly despair.

My wonderful David came to visit in March, as we had planned, but instead of being allowed to stay for the time we liked, immigration decided to cause a fuss over his one-way ticket and forced him to go back home again. They “allowed” us 3 days together. 3 days to decide whether we were wishing to persue this relationship, 3 days to decide if we liked eachother; 3 days to make or break a 6 month connection.

My mind was already made up as I sat there until 12am waiting for him, crying my eyes out, stressed and being begged and pleaded with to come back home. Regardless of how nervous I was when I got to the airport, by the time we actually met, the only thing I felt was relief. Oh, and an overwhelming rush of emotion ^_^

The brief 3 days during which I shared my life with this wonderful person were the best 3 days of my life. All the years of nightmares dissipated, I was happier than I had ever been and the connection between ourselves was nothing short of pure magic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The distance is hard, I won’t deny it for a second. There are times I feel like giving up, times when I feel as though we’ll always be 5000 miles away and nothing will ever pull us closer. I sit here in the evenings talking to him and all I want to do is reach out for a hug, or a kiss. I sit here and wish that I could just be there, where he is, sat with him, laying with him…

But then I look at how we started, and where we’re going and I can’t help but smile to myself. What started as innocent flirting between two friends exploded into a full blown romance; Fire, Passion and Emotion bursting from its seams.

Distance is good in some respects. It is safe, and free from over-familiarity. But it isn’t enough. I need more than this, by any means and eventually we will be faced with the decision to either go our separate ways or move to be near eachother on a more permanant basis so that we can see eachother every day without the need for technology and without the time difference being a problem.

For now however, we shall have to make do with what we have and so I have booked myself a plane ticket and am flying out to the great US of A and am going to spend 2 glorious weeks with my sweetheart. It’s going to kill me to come home again. To leave him there and return “home” is going to be devastating to my heart and I fear that it may break for the last time. With each goodbye, my heart fractures just a little more and soon there will be no way to piece it back together. I can only hope that we find the means for a more permanant solution before that time arises.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is only one road I’m walkin’
Only one lifetime one heart to guide me
Only one road I’m walkin’
But I’m gonna run back, I’m gonna run back
‘Cause I need you right here
Beside me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so I am stuck in this apparent limbo. I like my freedom. I really enjoy the fact that I can sit here in the evenings and do what I like without having someone to manuever around, noone else to fit my plans around. Yet on the other hand, I cannot deny that I get lonely. I like having someone to talk to, someone to hold me when I’m upset, someone to bounce my emotions off and help make sense of the madness in my own head. Its not very pretty living in my head sometimes and there are moments when I feel like I’m just meant to be alone. I’m not supposed to be near other people because they’ll end up getting hurt. Maybe that’s why I have my intelligence- to make up for the shortfall in romance and suchlike. Maybe I don’t need love. Maybe I’m not supposed to have it in my life, in my heart.

Is that why I’ve fallen for someone so far away? Because deep down, I know that nothing is likely to come of it and I’m just subconciously protecting myself for the inevitable? afterall, who would love me? I’m just a broken little girl hiding years of pain under my intelligence. What else is there?

I wish that I could be one of these people who just accepts everything as the truth, that I can hear him say “I love you” and just accept it without over analysing every single thing, without my heart and my mind screaming “why, what is there to love”. But no. I had to be cursed with this stupid mind which won’t allow me to believe anything without total and unequivical proof that it is so. A guy flies 5000 miles for THREE days with me and still, I can’t just accept “I love you” without feeling as though its all just a ruse. I can’t just accept it without my mind saying “how can you be sure? You can’t feel how he does so you can’t believe that its real”

Why on earth did I of all people have to be in this mind. I swear, one day it’s going to be the end of me. I cannot believe anything unless I experience it myself. I cannot jump into his body and experience first hand how he feels for me so I can never fully believe it. If I can’t ever fully believe it, I’ll always be thinking “no, he doesn’t love you. noone does. noone ever will” I WANT to believe that someone can love me. I want to be happy. I want to be loved.

ugh, maybe it’s just the distance talking. When we are together again, I know for fact that I will see just how much I mean to him. There’s not many guys who would travel half way round the globe to be with a girl he’d never met before, only to get forced back home and THEN want to do it all over again. We can’t bear to be apart, so why can’t I just yield to my heart and be like everyone else? Its killing me and I can’t cope. If there was a magical pill that I could take that would just switch my brain off so I could just have a half hour’s peace, I’d knock them back like sugar coated candy -_-;

Everyone is always telling me how lucky I am to have knowledge and logic on my side. If only they knew what a curse it really was. The biggest flaw is that I can’t do anything without my head screaming at me and trying to determine if my actions are well founded. I cannot take risks. I cannot just trust my instincts. Such cannot happen to someone like me. I have to be methodical in every aspect and cannot allow my heart to take over.

And then there’s the “baby” incident. Its that time of the year I’ve been dreading, and I’m doing it alone. Oh how I wish that I wasn’t alone this week. I’d give anything to not be alone, but I think that will have to wait for tomorrow. Should I continue tonight down this path I have trodden, I fear that I shall not return. My head is hurting, my mind is in overdrive and I would hate to write something that does not fully reflect my emotions.

Night all.

And to you, my darling David, I DO know that you love me, on some levels at least. Maybe one day, when we are together…. Maybe then I will be able to finally put aside my logic for just a little while and open up this heart of mine. You’re the only person I want to let in. You mean more to me than all the knowledge in the world and if I could give it all up, I’d do it for you so that I didn’t have to be this way.

I’m sorry.

 
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Posted by on May 24, 2011 in Update

 

A small collection of my poems ^_^

Here are a few of my poems I have written, my inspiration taken mainly from recent events 🙂

Ohayou
Early in the morning
as the sun begins to rise
I’m still awake, talking to you
Do you think of me while I am sleeping?

I’ve always thought this type of thing
would happen to anyone but me

“I’ll hold you tight”
“I’d protect you”
These words, they linger
Do you think of me while you are sleeping?

I’ve always thought this type of thing
would be nothing but a dream

You brushed away my tears,
You shine your light at my fears
Though we’ve never met
you know me better than I know myself
so what is it that is so special
about me that makes you want to hold my hand

Early in the evening
as the sun begins to set
I sit awake, thinking of you
Whilst you are sleeping

I’ve often thought of love
as meaningless

“Don’t cry”
“I’ll be there soon”
These words, I always wanted to hear
I read them over while you sleep

I’ve often thought of love
as something I’d never feel

You showed me how to smile
you taught me to be happy
Though we’ve never met
you know my secrets
What is it that is so special
about you that makes me want to hold your hand

I should think of you as proof
that I can live without losing sight of what’s most important

Darling, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to meet you
and if I can’t,
forever and always, I won’t forget

Whispers in the Dark

Many lonely nights I’ve spent
Thinking about all that I regret
I lie here in the hollow dark
waiting for something to fix my heart

Then you came along and I could see
all I ever dreamed I could be
and as I fell into my lover’s arms
and whispered “I love you” in the dark
My heart it soared, on the wings of a thousand angels
Lifting me higher and higher, above the clouds

Many sleepless nights I’ve had
Dreaming of all that we could be
I lie here in the empty dark
waiting for someone to mend my heart

Then you came along and I could hear
all the words I’ve always longed
and as I fell into your arms
and whispered “stay with me” in the dark
My heart it soared, on the wings of a thousand angels
Lifting me higher and higher, above the clouds

I’d rather live with never having you at all
Than to live with the pain of losing you

My heart it screams “I love you”
My heart it sings “I want you”
And still I fear you won’t be here
To mend my broken heart

I wish

I wish you would see behind my mask,
you never realised that the only reason I’m here is you.
I’m falling faster everyday
won’t you lay out your arms and catch me?

I wish you would see how your words make me smile
you should know that you are the one who keeps me from insanity
I’m burning up, I’m breaking down
Won’t you open your heart and hold me?

I wish you would see behind my smile,
would you be saddened by the truth you’d see?
I’m no longer able to hide it
won’t you let down your guard and hear me?

I wish you would see between the lines,
you would see that I’m frightened and you give me hope
I’m crashing, fading, weakening
won’t you put aside your fears and help me?

I wish you would see the real me,
you would see a girl scared, blushing at your every word
I’m passing out, slipping away
won’t you take my hands in yours?

How you make me feel

There’s so much I want to tell you
about how you make me feel
You gave me back my heart
You gave me back my soul

Things I once thought I had lost
you brought them rushing back

There’s so much still I’ve yet to say
about how you make me feel
I thought I was empty
I thought I was lost

All that I once left behind
you helped me to reclaim

There’s so much still I’ve yet to say
about how you make me feel
I thought I was empty
I thought I was lost

Although we’re far apart
You’re the beating of my heart

and when I thought I’d lost everything
That I ever had held dear
You came along and I could see
that I had so much more to live for

Scared

I’m scared to say just how I feel
I’m scared to tell you the truth
I’m scared I’m not good enough
I’m scared I’m not right for you

I’m scared that I’ll hurt you
I’m scared that I’ll mess things up
I’m scared you’ll not even come
I’m scared you’ll want to run

I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing
I’m scared I’ll do something bad
I’m scared that you won’t like me
I’m scared that you won’t want me

I’m scared of these feelings
I’m scared of these dreams
I’m scared they won’t come true
I’m scared they’ll end

I’m scared of being alone
I’m scared of being without you
I’m scared I’ll fall in love
I’m scared that you won’t

I’m scared that I might tell you
I’m scared you’ll turn me down
I’m scared I’ll give you my heart
I’m scared you’ll throw it away

I’m scared that I’m too broken
I’m scared that I’m too damaged
I’m scared I’ll fall to pieces
I’m scared I’ll let you down

I’m scared you’ll go home again
I’m scared you’ll break my heart
I’m scared that you won’t love me
I’m scared that you will.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2011 in Update

 

Guiding Light ~ Mon Coeur S’Ouvre A Ta Voix

Ah! réponds à ma tendresse!
Verse-moi, verse-moi l’ivresse!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A sense of overwhelming calmness has radiated over my being in the last few weeks. There’s not a single cloud in sight and the darkness that has been casting its shadow over my life for the last (god knows how many) years appears to have suddenly dissipated and left nothing but a bright sunny disposition in my heart.

Is this really the effect of my being single again? I wasn’t aware that I was *that* unhappy in my relationship – my marriage; Is it therefore safe to assume that it became the dead weight that was holding me down, making me miserable and keeping me from becoming the person I was always supposed to be? Be that the case, then I am glad I was finally shown how happy I could be and given the courage to spread my wings and break free!

Of course, I honestly believe with the entirety of my heart that it would not be possible, but for the support of one person. My Guiding Light, who came out of nowhere and into my life when I needed someone the most. I have many friends and acquaintances, all of whom have helped in their own ways, but when talking to him I feel in complete serenity, an overwhelming sense of peace surrounding me.

“Tatta hitotsu no korogatte’ta atashi wo
kirei ni shite kurete itsudatte sasaete kureta”

When we first started talking, it was as 2 individuals, with a common goal and common interest. Looking back now, I believe it was my love of music that led us to talking. It seems so long ago now, though it has only been 5 months! Now, we talk so often it’s hard to say where we’re going and what’s going to happen, nevertheless, I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. Though to you it might seem a little silly, me saying that some random guy 5000 miles away whom I met on a GPT site has made such a difference to my life, but it just goes to show that we should never underestimate the potential influence that one single individual could have on our existence as without this one person, I would still be stuck in a dead-end relationship being treated like shit, getting trodden on and forced to just exist without purpose.

That was never my aim in life. I have always known that I am destined for greater things, to be my own person and to achieve all that I wish for. The thought that I could have been squandered and squashed, shaped into someone else’s ideal for the rest of my life is a terrifying thought and I am so glad that I have managed to escape. Since I have been “alone” I have been able to fully focus on what I want and I finally know where I am going. I am learning Japanese again, my music is once again the most important thing in my life and I feel as though I have purpose!

It’s so strange being this calm. It’s almost as though my mind is the ocean, still on a calm spring day, gently ebbing and flowing in harmony with the clouds drifting overhead. There’s no storms on the horizon and the sun is brightly shining. Though it might be raining outside the window, there is sunshine in my heart and it seems as though nothing can stop it warming me with its rays!

I cannot comprehend how one person could make me feel this way. Especially one person whom I’ve not (yet) met. I don’t know if this is love, or just wanton longings but it’s good for me and I don’t want it to ever end. We shall have to wait for the time being and just hope that in 5-6 weeks when we finally DO meet, everything will work out the way I will it to and be it for a few months or the forseeable future, I shall be happy to share my home, my life and my time with this wonderful person who has bought me out of my shell and taught me that the world can be a beautiful place.

I listen to this song every day on my way back from taking Naomi to school, and it never fails to put a spring in my step. As I stand on the crossroads where I so very nearly ended my life not so long ago, I reminisce back to that time and wonder why I didn’t do anything to counteract the madness that I was drowning in. Now, to think that I was so ready to throw it all away; Looking at the scars on my arm from no more than a month and a half ago… I can’t help but feel relieved that I got out when I did. I can’t imagine where I’d be now had I not gotten out, had I not been given that little push in the right direction, that little nudge from someone who would turn out to be so important to me.

There will be some hard times, there will be some days when I feel the weight of the world bearing down upon my shoulders, but now I know that I will always have someone there watching out for me, ready to make me feel better again and give me a reason to go on.

You’ll never know the full extent of my gratitude. If I could say just one thing; Had I the strength to actually voice it then maybe, just maybe – you’d know. Alas, I cannot. The only thing I can say is thank you.

Arigatou Gozaimasu. Daisuke da yo, Anata ga aishiteru.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2011 in Update