Still, beat thy aching heart
Basking in your light
A warmth that doth embrace
I feel alive again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The night. Still, silent and welcoming. How I wish I could sit here forever; Alone in the darkness with nothing but the sombre tones of the music filling my ears, silent tears, beads of emotion tracing patterns down my cheeks as eyes glisten in the moonlight.
~ Taken from my own post “Still beat thy aching heart”
This previous post, I find was not fully and adequately suited to the title which I gave. So in light of this, I have written a further, a Refrain – as tonight, my aching heart really doth beat still. If thou would, I might have it so that you listen to the following pieces of music whilst reading. Music is perfect for expression and the feeling of my inner musings would be much more expressed by this than by any other means possible. Even the english language is simply not vast enough to fully encapsulate the mellow timbre of my mood –
Yesterday I posted a rather hurried response to my readers querying the whereabouts of my recent blog posts. I have to admit I have been rather uninterested in writing as of late, and my melancholy cost me the fruitions of a good 2 weeks worth of time. I lost sight of expressionism in preference of procrastination. Troubling though it may have been, I cannot help but look back and think of it as a good thing. There have been many issues I have faced and some hard times been had in recent weeks and would thou have read the ample rantings present in my mind, you truely would have thought me insane.
Now however, I can safely say that such times are past. Due, be it may, to the fact that I slept last night for what might possibly be the longest in most recent years or be it attributed to the content of my dreams, I cannot speculate; however a warmth of serenity has encompassed me today. The gentle percussion of my heart, harmonized by the steady rising and falling of my lungs. I feel reborn, whole and complete. A rush of emotion flows through my veins, such as I have never experienced before. Time is at a standstill, the ever-growing darkness outside the window bearing no relevance to the significance of events. For all I know, a week could have passed and I would not know the difference, but from the date stamped in the corner of my computer screen.
I have not known such perfect, complete and wholly unrecognizable peace for so long a time, I thought it impossible to ever reclaim.
Still, beat thy aching heart
Lost inside your smile
Softly, gently, tenderly
I find what I seek
Is it possible that this – this wonderful emotion-filled state of perfect tranquility, could be the result of several months conversing with one individual miles away on the other side of the earth’s vast spanse? Can I honestly say that were it not for one single existance, my world would still be in tatters, left afray, my mind still fighting to remain composed yet simultaneously being crushed by the weight of the overbearing pain that I have endured? I was in a relationship for 6 years, and for the most part I was unhappy, depressed, unrecognized as an individual. I felt squandered, pushed into the abyss of the masses; Left as empty as a vacuum, void of all emotion and sound. Can I, an individual to whom logic is epitome, honestly say that I would still be in that dark place, were it not for the words of one?
Not so many moons ago I would have thought it improbable, likely impossible that one single person wouldst make such a vast impression on my life. I can no longer accept that notion. I have tried, and failed to contemplate the depth of meaning behind this person’s intentions. Likewise, I cannot see the meaning behind my own convictions and as I sit here pondering such, all I am compelled to do is to drift into a dream like state, perplexed by the complexities of my own heart. Many hours have been spent daydreaming, dare I say, fantasizing about how things would be were the two of us to meet. It will happen, and soon- I know to be a fact; But whilst the time passes ever-slower, my mind cannot help but will it faster; My heart thundering ahead of itself, wishing it faster.
Still, beat thy aching heart
Laughter in the dark
Arms entangeld, lips entwined
Set my heart ablaze
I’ve often spoke of love, and how I find it has no place in society other than to ensure the successful continuation of our species. As I sit here, listening to this music, thinking about this one individual, I cannot help but wonder if I was incorrect. Of course, circumstantially I would be saying this – it is perfectly logical of one to assume that in the throes of great emotion, all reason and knowledge goes out of the window, cast aside only to become overpowered by our longings. Do I “long” it? Sitting here, thinking about all of this, my heart is on fire. I cannot breathe through the pure emotion.
Only once have I ever felt such passion, such desire and emotion so raw that it cuts me. Never was it for another person. The only time I have felt anything close to this was when playing with the orchestra. That moment when I am standing infront of hundreds of people, poised to take my solo and the whole world is watching. The pure rush of adrenaline when the strings start their opening chords, the timpani roll and the pure magic begins. Such power. Such fires burning in the depths of my fibre. My hands, they tremble; My throat, closing up threatening to close off my air supply. My heart, beating faster and faster, certain to burst at any moment.
All this and so much more – it simply cannot be put into words. There is not a single word that could fully describe this unparallelled emotion. I don’t know when this began, neither can I correctly identify its source. All I can do is hope that it doth not fade. For if it does, I fear that I become empty again. Hollow, a pit of emotionless despair akin to more recent years. I cannot and WILL not let that happen.
Such beauty I am undeserving of. Now I have it, I do not want to let it go. I am unsure of its meaning or its destination, but I am glad that I have had the chance to embrace it. From here, I can but go forward, taking each day as it comes with the hope that the calming aura remains surrounding me.
As ever, to my readers, thank you.
…….. And to you; may you never know the extent of your good nature’s effect on this lost girl’s heart. You have repaired me, when I thought it impossible. You have taken 14 years of negativity and in just a few short months turned it into something so amazing and beautiful that I may never again fear the darkness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still beat thy aching heart
A long lost dream
Tears falling silently
I dare to dream again
Lacrimosaangel~ Eyes on me 