Still, beat thy aching heart ~ Refrain

Still, beat thy aching heart
Basking in your light
A warmth that doth embrace
I feel alive again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night. Still, silent and welcoming. How I wish I could sit here forever; Alone in the darkness with nothing but the sombre tones of the music filling my ears, silent tears, beads of emotion tracing patterns down my cheeks as eyes glisten in the moonlight.
~ Taken from my own post “Still beat thy aching heart”

This previous post, I find was not fully and adequately suited to the title which I gave. So in light of this, I have written a further, a Refrain – as tonight, my aching heart really doth beat still. If thou would, I might have it so that you listen to the following pieces of music whilst reading. Music is perfect for expression and the feeling of my inner musings would be much more expressed by this than by any other means possible. Even the english language is simply not vast enough to fully encapsulate the mellow timbre of my mood –

Yesterday I posted a rather hurried response to my readers querying the whereabouts of my recent blog posts. I have to admit I have been rather uninterested in writing as of late, and my melancholy cost me the fruitions of a good 2 weeks worth of time. I lost sight of expressionism in preference of procrastination. Troubling though it may have been, I cannot help but look back and think of it as a good thing. There have been many issues I have faced and some hard times been had in recent weeks and would thou have read the ample rantings present in my mind, you truely would have thought me insane.

Now however, I can safely say that such times are past. Due, be it may, to the fact that I slept last night for what might possibly be the longest in most recent years or be it attributed to the content of my dreams, I cannot speculate; however a warmth of serenity has encompassed me today. The gentle percussion of my heart, harmonized by the steady rising and falling of my lungs. I feel reborn, whole and complete. A rush of emotion flows through my veins, such as I have never experienced before. Time is at a standstill, the ever-growing darkness outside the window bearing no relevance to the significance of events. For all I know, a week could have passed and I would not know the difference, but from the date stamped in the corner of my computer screen.

I have not known such perfect, complete and wholly unrecognizable peace for so long a time, I thought it impossible to ever reclaim.

Still, beat thy aching heart
Lost inside your smile
Softly, gently, tenderly
I find what I seek

Is it possible that this – this wonderful emotion-filled state of perfect tranquility, could be the result of several months conversing with one individual miles away on the other side of the earth’s vast spanse? Can I honestly say that were it not for one single existance, my world would still be in tatters, left afray, my mind still fighting to remain composed yet simultaneously being crushed by the weight of the overbearing pain that I have endured? I was in a relationship for 6 years, and for the most part I was unhappy, depressed, unrecognized as an individual. I felt squandered, pushed into the abyss of the masses; Left as empty as a vacuum, void of all emotion and sound. Can I, an individual to whom logic is epitome, honestly say that I would still be in that dark place, were it not for the words of one?

Not so many moons ago I would have thought it improbable, likely impossible that one single person wouldst make such a vast impression on my life. I can no longer accept that notion. I have tried, and failed to contemplate the depth of meaning behind this person’s intentions. Likewise, I cannot see the meaning behind my own convictions and as I sit here pondering such, all I am compelled to do is to drift into a dream like state, perplexed by the complexities of my own heart. Many hours have been spent daydreaming, dare I say, fantasizing about how things would be were the two of us to meet. It will happen, and soon- I know to be a fact; But whilst the time passes ever-slower, my mind cannot help but will it faster; My heart thundering ahead of itself, wishing it faster.

Still, beat thy aching heart
Laughter in the dark
Arms entangeld, lips entwined
Set my heart ablaze

I’ve often spoke of love, and how I find it has no place in society other than to ensure the successful continuation of our species. As I sit here, listening to this music, thinking about this one individual, I cannot help but wonder if I was incorrect. Of course, circumstantially I would be saying this – it is perfectly logical of one to assume that in the throes of great emotion, all reason and knowledge goes out of the window, cast aside only to become overpowered by our longings. Do I “long” it? Sitting here, thinking about all of this, my heart is on fire. I cannot breathe through the pure emotion.

Only once have I ever felt such passion, such desire and emotion so raw that it cuts me. Never was it for another person. The only time I have felt anything close to this was when playing with the orchestra. That moment when I am standing infront of hundreds of people, poised to take my solo and the whole world is watching. The pure rush of adrenaline when the strings start their opening chords, the timpani roll and the pure magic begins. Such power. Such fires burning in the depths of my fibre. My hands, they tremble; My throat, closing up threatening to close off my air supply. My heart, beating faster and faster, certain to burst at any moment.

All this and so much more – it simply cannot be put into words. There is not a single word that could fully describe this unparallelled emotion. I don’t know when this began, neither can I correctly identify its source. All I can do is hope that it doth not fade. For if it does, I fear that I become empty again. Hollow, a pit of emotionless despair akin to more recent years. I cannot and WILL not let that happen.

Such beauty I am undeserving of. Now I have it, I do not want to let it go. I am unsure of its meaning or its destination, but I am glad that I have had the chance to embrace it. From here, I can but go forward, taking each day as it comes with the hope that the calming aura remains surrounding me.

As ever, to my readers, thank you.

…….. And to you; may you never know the extent of your good nature’s effect on this lost girl’s heart. You have repaired me, when I thought it impossible. You have taken 14 years of negativity and in just a few short months turned it into something so amazing and beautiful that I may never again fear the darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still beat thy aching heart
A long lost dream
Tears falling silently
I dare to dream again

 

Daybreak

在你離開之後的天空　我像風箏尋一個夢
雨後的天空　是否有放晴後的面容
我靜靜的望著天空　試著尋找失落的感動
只能用笑容　期待著雨過天晴的彩虹

After you left, I’m like a kite in the sky searching for a dream
After a bout of rain, does the sky appear to be clearing up?
I calmly gaze at the sky, trying to seek a feeling of loss
I can only use a smile to await the rainbow that follows the sky’s clearing

Tian Kong ~ Jolin Tsai

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What an amusing week. Well not so much “haha that’s funny” but amusing in the way that hindsight makes me wonder how I got through it all without needing to take a trip to the hospital! I’ve fallen down the stairs twice, bitten my new tongue bar countless times, tripped over in the streets, walked into doors, stubbed toes, bent wrists back and given myself one HECK of a headache. I am in great need of some RnR and a nice relaxing spa break -_- SO not going to happen though. I should just keep dreaming!

Sorry for the long delays between posts this week, my mind has been a-flutter with trying to arrange a flat amongst getting the house looking “nice” ¬_¬ so that the landlord can arrange viewings.

Things are finally starting to look up for me and I don’t think I’ve been this happy in SO long a time, I can’t actually remember! I have a lot to look forward to this year! Here’s a run down (Chronologically? who knows!)

Moving (at some point, maybe)
My lovely Dave coming to see me (YAY! No idea how long for! Maybe till the end of this list, although def till after the p2s meet)
My Birthday (not sure if I’m looking forward to this or not…)
Abby visiting (another friend from the US!)
UK p2s Meetup at Thorpe Park ~ A weekend of themepark goodness getting to meet the rest of my friends (woopwoop!)
Possibly going to the US for a couple of weeks (If I have money and passport!)
Holiday with Rach and Joshie in Devon!

I am so stupidly excited about it all, though most of that excitement is about my “special” friend (LOL squirtle…. NOT what you assume) coming to see me. I really don’t think I’d be where I am right now without my good friends and squirtle, you’ve all given me such strength and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Things are FINALLY moving forward and I’m starting to get my life back on track. Slowly, but moving all the same. I just now have to hope that my landlord DOES let me stay in the house so that I need worry not about having to move and re-sort everything out!

I shall update a longer post tomorrow, when I am neither tired or coughing my guts up till they bleed.. for now, I leave you with the CUTEST vid ^_^

 

What is “Love”?

La letizia si convertia, in amarissimo pianto
Io sono in pace
Vide Cor Meum

~ From Vide Cor Meum of Dante’s La vita Nuova
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valentine’s day is almost upon us again, and while the shops are filled with heart shaped candy, balloons, teddies etc all adorned with hearts and declarations of love, it has made me stop and think.
This will be the first valentines’ in 7 years I have spent alone, the first in 7 years that I haven’t recieved a card whereby I am promised an eternity of love and affection “for ever and ever”. (Which of course, lasted all of 6 years ¬_¬)

So I’ve been thinking – What exactly is “Love” and why do we place such high value on it?!

Many people argue feverently that love is an emotion which is both pure and happy, it is something to be cherished, something wonderful. I tend to look at it as a bio-chemical response to stimuli. Nothing more than a hormone production inside our own bodies, aiming to facilitate the natural instinct to procreate. We mate with those who’s features compliment ours to ensure maximum percentage chance of successful copulation, ultimately culminating in the best possible permutation for our offspring in terms of looks (again – the appeal on others to procreate and continue the human species) and that of intelligence (ensuring the maximum chance of a successful, happy life, thus extending the quality of life, and in effect, the life expectancy of our offspring) We say we “love” this person, but it is merely just a physical connection, forged so that we can ensure they stay close to us. It is this bond, this closeness which all but guarantess our “claim” to their genes.

Are we destined to be with one person? Do each of us have one “soulmate” whom we are destined to be with for our entire lives? There was a time when I thought this to be true, however I cannot say that I support this theory anymore. As individuals, we are just too complex for just one person to be fully complimentary to us. We are many faceted, too complex for even ourselves to understand – how can we as individuals expect just one other person to equally match that? It is illogical to believe for a moment that we can settle for being with just one person. If this were to be true, then why would we fall in and out of love so easily and so flippantly as we do.

In my self-loathing self-critical state of idealistic musings, I refute such humorous claims. There are exceptions to every rule of course, and there are some people who believe that it IS possible to stay with the same person their entire lives; some even manage to achieve that feat, but are they really “soulmates” or are they just lucky enough to find someone who compliments their most complex personality traits and can put up with their petty foibles long enough to last their lifetime? We all change as individuals, we grow, we adapt. The Real test of “love” is whether you bend or break. Those moments when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and a heavy sinking in your heart. Does your partner notice? Does he stand up and fight for you as he should? And can you bend for him, allowing him to lean on you every once in a while?

It is when we bend too much that the cracks in our exterior start to shine through. When one of us bends and the other keeps pushing, keeps leaning, craving more than you can give; we break. Snap like twigs in the harsh cold of winter. The attraction then is lost, we fall “out of love”. Does this then mean that we have suddenly lost emotion for them? Of course not. Emotion is not such a petty thing that it can be “lost” within a mere few hours, or even weeks. If that were the case, then we would not grieve for our departed, we would not linger on past events, hoping to reclaim the feelings we once had. It is my strong belief that when we fall “out of love”, all that is happening is merely a psychological response to the realisation that what we percieved once as the “optimal” factor for our reproductive needs, is simply no longer strong enough. Unless we grow as individuals at a constant rate, one of us will always ultimately take the lead, one of us will be too far ahead of the other and that “other” will no longer be able to suit our needs.

And what happens when these needs are no longer met? We look elsewhere. We seek the company of those most like ourselves, that of other people who compliment the gap in our exteriors.

I’m not talking of cheating. We as humans are monogamous by nature, it is in our genes to be monogamous, but not for life. We are not like swans, nor are we like anglerfish or ospreys. We are monogamous and polyarmorous at the same time. We mate with one but hold the attraction of many. It is natural, it is necessary for our survival. When one of “loves” flames die, we must strike up a match and light another. Maybe not right away, maybe not in the sense that we “must” be with another as some people are just meant to be alone, their genes not strong enough to attract attention from another.

So what of online “dating”? Can we say then that there is “love” found online? Can we even love someone we’ve never met?
If we were to believe popular notions of romance and “sexual” attraction, then it would not be possible to fall in love with someone unless you have seen them with your own two eyes, unless you have touched them, smelled their scent and spoken to them. However, it has been proven that people HAVE met online and gone on to have sucessful relationships.
So why is that? Well, for one, there is a veil of mystery shadowing our exteriors. Online we can be whoever we want to be. You, my readers, do not know my face (unless you are of the few who DO know me) you do not know anything more than I choose to share with you. There is mystery. It is this “mystery exterior” that perhaps shields us from predejuice and allows us to greater know the person whom we speak to.
Even if we are shown pictures of that individual, we do not know for sure that it is their real face, yet we trust that it is. If you don’t know the person in a physical manner, we are left with just one thing on which to base our perceptions – Their intellect. We get to know their mind, the way they think, if then connections are to be made then they are made based on one’s intellectual needs rather than the physical.

But then what happens is that these two individuals “meet”. The making and breaking point of such a relationship based on pure interpretation of non-physical complimentaries. One of only two things can happen – The two individuals realise that there was no attraction and remain strictly platonic, yet intellectually fulfilled, or sparks fly. Mental attraction becomes physical. The need for fulfillment in one sense becomes an overwhelming desire for fulfillment on all levels, thus again forging the physical bond needed to lay possession to their genes, should they serve to compliment our own. We must watch however, that we do not lose sight of what bought us together in the first place, else we end up right back at the beginning.

“Love is beauty, Love is kind, Love is whole”
This phrase (or a permutation of) is commonly recited at weddings, as it was my own, yet I deny it so.
Love is neither beautiful or kind. “love” is what we make it and such notions that it should make us “whole” are preposterous. Can we sit back and just accept that one day a knight in shining armor is just going to waltz into our lives and magically everything will be okay? Everything will suddenly burst into sunlight, our hearts full of warm happy feelings of joy and amazement?
Of course not. If we were to do that then the human race would have died out many moons ago.

Love is what you make it. Be it that you believe it is pure emotion or an innate instinct, we cannot as a race, sit back and just allow ourselves to get comfortable with the mundane. If we dont’ strive to better ourselves, if we do not respect ourselves and if we’re not content with who WE are as individuals, then we can (and should) never expect others to do so.

As I leave you all for another night, I can only hope that this somewhat literal viewpoint serves as a reminder that we are only human; Mistakes will be made, and made in their thousands. It is what we do after they have been made which defines us as individuals and ultimately decides the course of our own futures. I myself have made mistakes, perhaps getting married was one of those, however it has led me here to you tonight; it has taken these mistakes to reach this point where I can wholeheartedly say that I am happy to be me.

I hope, my friends, that you too are happy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.

E d’esto core ardendo, Appresso gir lo ne vedea piangendo.

 

Breaking Free

I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its been a while since my last update, and I apologise for such. Things have been turbulent at home and should I have posted, it would have turned into little more than an idle rant accomplishing absolutely nothing but venting anger. I prefer to stay away from such posts as I find them very uneduacted and tedious to read; so I waited as to not bore you with potential drivvel. Now however, I feel an intense urge to write and this blog is the best medium for such.

Since the last update, there have been a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but I’m not letting them get to me any longer! I cannot simply stand by and allow Alan to treat me like shit and get away with it! After a couple of weeks on the sofa, things slowly getting worse and worse, I have now kicked HIM out of the bedroom! Sleeping on that sofa bed has done nothing but hurt my back, cause my fibro to flare and put me in a LOT of unecessary pain.

I went to see Rose this evening and came home to find the house void of large items. Alan has apparently found somewhere else to live, has paid the rent on the house until the 2nd march and has been moving his stuff across this evening. Problem is, that he has also taken MY stuff. The ps3 was bought primarily for me so that I can play lbp and final fantasy. He said I can only pay it back if I agree to pay half of HIS credit card bill ¬_¬ The ps3 wasn’t even paid on the credit card and I don’t see why I should have to miss out because he’s being an ass. He’s even gone so far as to say that he wants his Talisman characters that he painted.. I mean come ON! Its a bloody board game – what’s he going to do with 6 pieces? If he wishes to be petty, then so be it, I cannot be dealing with the stress and his petulence belittles him whilst bothering me not.

I am now left however, in a predicament whereby I need to find somewhere else to live. The rent will be paid up until the 2nd March, but I am hoping to be out of here before that. Preferably before HE leaves so that I dont’ have to worry about the inevitable mess that he will leave behind for me to clean up. Although he says that if I left before then, he and his “friend” were going to come in and do it, no doubt so that HE can be on hand to collect the deposit from our landlord. I’m going to have to talk very nicely to him (the landlord) and see if we can come up with something so that I can get Naomi out of here asap. Its impossible to live in this situation and completely unfair to have Naomi deal with it too. Needless to say that when he said he had a 2 bed flat and was taking Naomi to live with him while I “sort myself out”, I hit the roof! No way is he going to have her move in with him. He is neither equipped Nor responsible enough to look after her full time. I’m dubious even about her going to stay with him at weekends, but alas, I cannot just take her away from her daddy. That would not be fair on her at all.

I shall have to find something else to fill my time while I am by myself during those days she is with him. His plan (and the idea did cross my mind) was that he pick her up on a saturday afternoon and drop her at school on monday morning, I’d then pick her up on monday afternoon. It means I get little time alone with her, between school and meals etc, but at least she’d be in a more happy environment.

And then when I move into my own place (be it that I keep the house or find a flat in the near vicinity of Naomi’s school) I shall be getting a visit from my wonderful friend! I cannot say much at this point, but it would suffice to say that it is large in part down to him that I have had the strength to finally make such a large decision and leave this nightmare behind. Many a night I’ve spent awake late into the night, sobbing my heart out, torn between my loyalty to my daughter’s welfare and the troubles tormenting my heart. Many a night I’ve cried myself to sleep, unable to decide upon a set action. Each time, he’s been there listening, comforting, telling me that I DID possess the courage to follow what my logic was screaming at me, telling me that I could indeed make it on my own and that whilst I had lost all my family (other than squirtle) and my friends, I still had people that care for me and I would not be alone.

It has been such a comfort knowing that there is someone 5000 miles away who cares for me more than my own husband. Perhaps that is why Alan has decided to accuse me of cheating on him. Because I choose to sit and talk to “some guy” I’ve never met until the early hours of the morning rather than talk to him. Would he have spent the time noticing the clouds ever-looming over my head, then maybe I may have been more open to communication, but he still notices not the scars on my arms, he notices not the tears streaked down my cheeks. No, he throws his comments into the fray, unawares as to what effect they have and I have grown tired of his petty insolence.

So the time is upon us! I am now “separated” in the process of gaining my life back, claiming it as my own. Yes, I will be a single mother. Yes, I will be reliant on state benefits (for a while) and I am under no illusions that it will be easy. It will be a long uphill struggle for a while, but I am certain that I would be a lot happier than I currently am, and that is a definate plus.

As to what happens after that, I don’t know. I’d like to say that I will be able to close my heart off for a while, but who knows what the future holds. I’m going to concentrate on just having fun and being myself for a while! I can only hope that I can regain some of what was lost over the last 6 years and learn from these mistakes.

Thank you, as ever to all of you who have helped to keep me sane in past months! And to you cookie, should you ever read this, you know how I feel and I cannot say it more meaningfully that I have tonight. You have done SO much for this “british girl” than you could ever imagine and you have my sincere thanks. I can only hope that you let me somehow repay you for your kindness. Maybe when you come visit me! (Super soon pwease!) Much ❤ Mwahhhhhh! :X :*

Well, goodnight all, love to you all, stay safe and well!

 

New Beginnings!

Hidamari sansan kokoro wa haremoyou
Futatsu no hitomi wa himawari no tane no you

Katarai kasanari katamari karamari
Issho ni iru koto zettai hitsuzen

Demo anata daiji na yume o egaku
Owaru made wa zutto sou kokode (matteiru)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say that a new year is the best time to make a new start and what a start I’ve made!

I can honestly say that my marriage appears to be officially over.

I cannot say why but I do not feel that saddened by this. It is more of a giant relief, like the weight has been lifted off my back and I am finally free as a spirited individual! The method in which the breakages appeared was less than preferable however, and yesterday evening almost culminated with my either going completely insane and breaking myslef, or smashing up the house, leaving the place in terrible shatters.
Luckily at this time, my Very lovely friends were online and able to calm the madness that was brewing. Were it not for them, I dread to think of the state my mind and my house would be in!

Alan decided to take Naomi yesterday. Not just a quick trip to the shops with a “goodbye, be back soon” but literally, took her out, no goodbye, no nothing. He said “I’ll take her to the park” and left. All I got was a note saying “We’re going to the park and then to mum and dads. We’ll not be missed coz you don’t care” and that was that.
All because I slept in. I forgot that he had the day off work so when Naomi came into the bedroom in the morning and woke me up, I asked that she go play in her bedroom for a few minutes so that I could wake up and un-stiffen myself.
But no, that’s not allowed and he thought it necessary to “remove” her from the house in a rage with NO phone call at all. I text him and got no reply. No word of IF and when he would be bringing her back, no phoning me telling me that she is okay, that she was safe and having fun.. Nothing.

And so I slowly grew angrier.. and angrier, close to boiling point; using music and friends to keep my sanity I am astonished that I even made it to 8pm before I went crazy. When he walked through the door at close to 9pm, I was fully ready to welcome my little girl, running into my arms. It never happened. He’d left her at his parents overnight so he could come home and “sort things out”. That, as they say, was the final straw. It was just fortunate that the laptop was on my lap and I managed to keep a hold of my temper. I felt like swinging for him, hitting him as hard as possible, making him hurt physically as he had hurt me emotionally. Not that it is in me to be particularly violent, but when it regards my little girl, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to defend her, to protect her and ensure her happiness.

In regards to “sorting things out” I cannot admit to going into the whole scenario with an open heart. My heart by this point was already in tatters, my mind raging, my whole body trembling with anger and rage. Of all the things which might have happened during such a conversation, I have to say that I am somewhat astonished by that which did. Not only do I refer back to my previous posts in which I explain how I was labelled a “prostitute” by my “husband”, but also to posts way past. I have spoken before about my past and the effect it has had on my being, and all the work I have done to nullify the consequences of such, but he also managed in one foul sweep to ensure that any hope of salvation for our relationship was left in complete disarray in the gutter by dragging it all back up again.

Not only is he completely oblivious to how he has treated me, but he also doesn’t consider his words. I am (according to him) to stay in the house, to not stay OUT of the house overnight because of my “history”. At the point he said this, I could no longer hold back. I screamed. I shouted. I was glad that Naomi was not in the house as the explatives that were pushed from my mouth were not those for ears of a tender nature. The entirety of his reasoning to not want me to stay away from “his bed” for the night was because there are guys out in the big wide world and should I stay out for the night, I would get attacked again. As if me staying out for the night had any bearing over the behaviour and actions of others. He claimed that I “want to live the single life” and that I “put myself out” to attract attention of other guys. That, according to him is why I bought my corset and that, as he says is why I stay up late into the night. So that I might grab the attention of other people rather than go to bed with him.

Needless to say that he is making ME out to be the bad one in all of this and according to him, it is MY fault that I was raped at uni because I let my friend stay over the night because he walked me home late at night after going out clubbing. That is MY fault and “will only happen again if I’m not home”. After this, the music went up to full blast and I simply blocked out everything else that he accused me of.

I left him with NO illusions that things between us were ever going to be repaired, I shouted some more, told him JUST what I thought of him controlling me, being no better than my mother (who incidentally wouldn’t let me stay the night with HIM *to which he caused a HUGE row about*) and I told him that I’m sick to death of him beating me down emotionally and that I’ve had enough.

So now, the current plan is that I go to the CAB (citizens advice beaurau) and I look into getting my own place! I know it means that I have to rely on state benefits, but in my current situation, I don’t see that I have any other choice, until that is, I am in a position to work. Then I have to sort my passport. Save some money.

hopefully within the year, I might be able to move to the US and make that fresh start that my heart has been pining for. I know for a certainty that I will miss my darling squirtle more than anything, but I’ll make trips back. I’ll have to – for Naomi. In the long run however, I think that it would be better for us both. The med support over there is MUCH better (for my fibro) the schooling system will be greatly beneficial to Naomi, the housing is cheaper, I’d get a job easier, I have many friends over there and wouldn’t feel so isolated!

I know just where I’ll end up too. Houston, Texas. You might think that it’s a bit rash, moving so far away, making these decisions right now, but I’ve never liked this country. It’s done nothing for me other than make me miserable. there has been so much negative here, so much knocking me down. I NEED to go out and do something for myself. Something that would make ME happy.

I gave my all for him in these 6 years. I lost friends, family, my music, my entire life was devoted to him. All I got from it was my beautiful daughter.

 

Open Your Eyes

Helpless As You Move Away
I Am Empty, Aimless
I Have No Illusions Anymore
They Just Ran Right Out Of Me
And Every Day I’ll Fight Not To Miss You
Every Day I’ll Lose, Yeah

You Are My Weakness
You May Be My Downfall

So Just Leave Me Here With My Tortured Heart
Or Stay And Watch As I Cut It Out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nakitai dake naite mo ii
namida karete shimau kurai
oogoe de sakende mo ii
koe ga karete shimau kurai

tatoeba hitorikiri de
nani mo mienaku natta toshite
tatoeba sore demo mada
mae ni susumou to suru no nara
tatoeba shinjiru mono
nani hitotsu naku natta toshite
tatoeba soko ni wa tada
zetsubou dake ga nokotta nara

hane no nai tenshi ga
afurete’ru jidai de
dou ka kono inori o

Yet again I opened my mouth and got bitten in the arse. Why do you have to live so far away? We could be so good for eachother, We both want it and we know it would work, you told me as much.. So why then is there a problem?
Long distance can work, I’m willing to try it. It’s been going great the last month so why suddenly now does it all have to fall apart?

You say you want things to be different
You say you want to be with me
You say you wish that I were there

Yet we can’t be together until we’re physically closer. I told you I want more than what we have. You said you wanted it too but its impossible right now..

All that does is make me wish further that I could move.

I can’t resist any more. The storm has returned and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Welcome to the madhouse, Tear down my barriers and My defences. I couldn’t care less

Happy-fucking new year. What a load of shit.

 

All or Nothing

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The eye of the storm has passed and the oncoming winds have approached at great velocity. While I thought that I was over the worst and the madness that ensued had quietened to nothing more than a gentle breeze, I was much mistaken.

So this is it. The end of 2010, possibly my last post of this year and suffice to say that I am greatly appreciative that it is over. I’m ending this year much in the same vein as I have spent the most part – in tears.
I am ending this year alone, lost, broken and confused.

New years resolutions? Screw them. Why set unrealistic goals that no-one cares about? Why sit here and say that my “aim” for 2011 is to get my life back on track? I know that it’ll just come crashing to a standstill again, the whole entirety of my existance crashing round my ankles while I sit in a daze, suffocated by the confines of the prison I am kept in. No. As I see it I have one option and one option only. I shall go all-in. Show my hand and let everyone else work around me for a change. It’s about bloody time. I’m sick and tired of being the one who bends to everyone else’s will, caters to everyone else’s needs pushing mine onto the backseat and letting other people dictate my life’s direction.

I want to run.

Should the ways and the means suddenly make themselves avaliable, I would move to the USA. I have friends there. I have people who care. Here, I have squirtle (I love you and I’m sorry about the way my other post sounded) but other than her and Naomi’s ties to Alan’s family, there really is nothing keeping me here any longer.

I hate this place. Its dull, Its boring. The people suck, there’s never anything to do and all that this place is doing is swallowing me whole, crushing me down. I need to break free, I need to somehow get out and do something anything to try and feel better before I completely break down.

And then there’s him. I listen to his music, and it soothes me. We talk until the early hours of the morning and its the only time I truely feel happy. He tells me he wants me, that he wishese he didn’t live 5000 miles away, and that he’d keep me safe and happy. I want that. I want to be happy. I want to feel loved again, Wanted again.
So this is it cookie, If you want me, come and get me. I feel its all or nothing now. Either we do this, we make a go at whatever it is that’s so obviously growing between us, or we leave eachother be. I can’t keep falling apart on you, it’s not fair to you. But it’s also not fair on me to have you say such wonderful things to me, making me fall for you more than I already am, only to be shut down in the blink of an eye. Its dangerous for me.

I’m falling into the darkness again. My head hurts, my heart aches and my wrists are screaming at me, begging for release. I am resisting.. for now. I need to get out, I need to break free and be myself.

I can’t do that here.

Not anymore.

 

A tale of two halves

I really must stop saying sorry; it doesn’t make things any better or worse. If only I had it in me to be all fierce, fearless and forthright instead of forever sprinkling my discourse with pitiful retractions, apologies and prevarications.

~ Stephen Fry “The Fry Chronicles”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like these words really are those of my own mind. I have only begun reading, but as I sift through the proper english, the rugged dialect of my own generation seems to lurk behind me and grow ever apparent.

This weekend has indeed been an interesting one, and perhaps as the title claims, a tale of two halves. Quite separate in their being, but drawing ever closer, culminating in a whole, an entirely new event in its own right.
So I start at the beginning and hope that as you read this somewhat explanatory, seemingly never-ending post, you take a quick peek into my own subconscious mind, that you don’t get bored before the final words and fall asleep, head banging on the desk with an arduous ‘thud’.

Christmas

The day I was dreading. While everyone else was with their families, laughing over the Christmas dinner, sharing gifts and being generally merry in their compositions; I would be sat forcing turkey down my oesophagus listening with boredom to the conversations of those in my vicinity. Needless to say that within minutes of arriving at the in-laws, I had the wine flowing, softening my mood, letting my mind wander, inserting the correct and appropriate responses as deemed necessary by common courtesy.
If I would have it, I easily may have stayed at home and spent the whole day in a blur of sleep, desire and music-induced madness. Bouncing around my livingroom with nothing to calm the madness in my mind but the ever-present lure of the internet and my web-based friends seems a sure way to bring about a pleasant experience on my part.

But as luck (though that be a completely baseless term) would have it, the day went pleasantly enough. Started off a bit haywire, with me waking up to find that Alan had one thing only on his mind. Had I turned him down, it would have made for a bad day right from the offset, so again I played pretend and just tried to relax and drift of to pastures calmer.
I know that maybe I should have more self-restraint and self-respect but I have been beaten down, broken beyond repair and these days I find that furthering confrontation only leads to a downward spiral in my own mind and the nightmares are not worth the freedom that I would gain from such an apparent dismissal of my “wifely duties”.
And so it began. The day was already off to a manic start, and it could only go downhill from there.

Being the clumsy footed and haphazard human being I am, of course something would go wrong, and that indeed it did. Naomi went tearing downstairs, eager to open her presents, Alan was in the kitchen, refusing to keep an eye on her and wait for me as I requested, so that I may look upon her surprise as she saw her bike awaiting her in the front room; And so as she rushed towards the room, I ran after her, intent on stopping her from entering the room until he was also present. Needless to say that running on steep stairs is a stupid and somewhat careless feat, I simply lost my footing. I’m not sure if I closed my eyes or if my brain instinctively switched off during those fleeting seconds in which I fell, either way, I don’t remember what happened in that spans of time. Next I knew, I was at the bottom, back bruised, elbows jammed between the wall and the banister, my foot twisted against the wall, tears rolling down my cheeks while my mind tried to block out the pain.

Nevertheless, I got up, hobbled into the livingroom and the insanity of the gift-giving commenced. It was fun watching Naomi rip open her presents and get excited, and it was nice to see Alan smile for once, though it’s not enough to bring back any kind of emotion (although at this point I think I am beyond hope of recovering any sort of immense feeling for him) and it wasn’t enough to make me want to suddenly forget the trials and tribulations of weeks past. Though he hopes for it and though he wills it, I simply cannot make it happen.
So I put on my mask, walked out the door with my held held high, determination gleaming. I refuse to let my inner daemons ruin my angel’s christmas. The rest of the day continues as normal, with the usual family arguments, one sister-in-law refusing to sit where she’s told, the other complaining about eating her vegetables and me- stuck in-between them, willing to scream out and yell at the top of my voice to cease the mindless complaints and idle chatter. Just for someone to host a sensible conversation in which I could participate without needing to justify my interactions. Such wasn’t to be, as it rarely is in a house where manners deemed unnecessary and english revered as little as any other in this modern-day squander of illiteracy.

Is it any wonder that I feel so out-of-place and disconnected, even within the confines of my own family? I think it not surprising that I feel like an older person trapped in the body of a 22-year-old. It is therefore not surprising also, that this lack of emotion for my “husband” has occurred at a time when my thirst for knowledge and intellect is at its highest, but I digress. Now is not the time for idle musings of an overactive mind!

As Christmas Day progressed and tempers flared, I shrank into the background, becoming a piece of furniture, content to please the masses and go along with their plans. I am often too content to bend to the will of others, but while my mind knows the bounds of my own resistance, my heart is too fragile to enforce them and often plays mute. Somewhat masochistic though it may be, I cannot change the design of my own being and while I sit here pondering the inner mechanisms of my own constraints, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed by the pressure that my decisions have placed on my heart. Although this might seem to be a bad thing, I am often glad of the pressure. It reminds me that above all else, I have my faults. As any book has its good chapters, there are often bad passages, almost as if written in deliberately to remind us all of the power of the written word. Same be for my heart. The bad moments of our history ultimately become the tipping point for our future. Either we pander to them and let them swallow us whole, or we fight.

Mother

I chose to fight. I promised myself a year ago that I wouldn’t. I promised myself that I’d not ever put myself at her disposal again, that I’d not contact her, that I’d not be the one doing all the leg work, and yet again that is exactly what I did.
Who am I to deny my daughter her nanny on Boxing day? Despite my heart telling me not to go, to not send any messages and to just let it all fade into the background, my head, my logic said otherwise. Whilst it is all too easy to forget and move on as though nothing has happened, little can be done about sound logic. Where emotions fail, logic takes over and when all else shatters and falls apart, logic will still remain.

Perhaps it is this logic that is to blame for all that is wrong in my world. Is it my logic which is so deeply flawed or is it that I simply have too strong a bond to my family? Either way it is somewhat of a burden which I wish to rid myself of.

My visit to mother went well, considering the terms of our meeting were not precisely a welcomed event. She wishes me to apologize for something I am not at fault for and though I cannot EVER apologize where there is no fault, I did feel a tad guilty that something somewhere had fallen into disarray.
And then, of course there was the issue over what had happened in may. I told my mother -in the best way possible of course, that she had done something inexcusable to me. That you should NEVER leave your own child in the hospital that close to death, without so much as a “how are you?” with all being said, I must admit that even I cracked under the weight of it all. being face to face with my mother for the first time in neigh on 2 years was something for which I was grossly underprepared and although I thought I coped well, it is only looking back now, some Twelve hours later, that I realise just how wrong I was.

I didn’t “cope” with it at all. The only way I managed to last as long as I did without having a breakdown was because Naomi was there and I had auto-tuned my mind to somebody else. In all of those moments when things got awkward and I felt the need to say something without purpose, I focused on him. That one person who is able to calm my mind when things get hectic. The one person who’s very touch I crave, like sun to the leaves of a tree.
Conversation stayed strictly towards Naomi and how she was getting on and that is probably a good thing. It was pleasant without too much awkward and I accomplished all that I wanted. My little girl saw her nanny and I can now feel content that I have done all that I could to facilitate their relationship.

The ball as they say, is now in her court. I have done my duty as a mother AND a daughter. Maybe not my duty as a wife, although I could care less about that, in fact the whole time I was over there, the thought that Alan was sat in the car waiting was far from my mind. Though it pains me to say, I think that perhaps the argument that started this breakdown in communication between myself and my family -that being their brutish inacceptance of Alan as a husband and father figure, perhaps they were indeed correct. Although in saying that, were they really all that surprised? They say that who we choose to be with are not that unlike our own parents, as we tend to fall for men much like our fathers due to a psychological need for similarity, much like an infant craves their parents, we as adult crave a similar interaction, to further bolster our moral upbringings.

My father. Possibly one of the weakest influences of my life, and yet at the same time, the pinnacle of all which is wrong with the way I am. Being a 3-year-old and having my mouth taped shut at night so that I couldn’t cry out into the night, being whipped with the buckle of his belt while he stood naked in my bedroom late at night, beaten until I couldn’t sit down – just because I woke up early and needed to use the bathroom.

Can I say that I am surprised that my entire family see Alan as a controller? I can’t disagree. Mother made some strong points, which I chose to ignore. I stood by him and am now paying the price for such. It is simply not enough to be wanted and loved anymore. It is not enough to merely hope for salvation and though I warrant more respect than I am currently getting, I cannot say that it is not forthcoming. I put myself in this situation, and like many others that I have fallen foul to in my 22 years on this earth, I shall have to wait it out and to hope that somewhen soon I find the inner courage to stop the endless cycle of hate, regret and fear.

I fear that I don’t have the strength to leave. I fear that I have lost all courage and wisdom, that I have nothing left to base my existance upon other than a mere facade of being a wife and a mother. My self-worth is meaningless to many and only I can find a way out of the situation I am now faced with.

To say that I’d rather be anywhere but here is an understatement. There is nothing that I’d like more than to pack a bag, take some money and a passport and just leave the country. Should I not have had Naomi, that is precisely what I would be doing. I’d be elsewhere, with someone else, Anyone, but not here. Not with someone who respects me as little as he does.

The rising and falling chromaticisms of my own emotions has me bound to this someone, almost as if my heart is in a trance. Like the cadances of a well tuned piece of music, my heart beats in perfect synchronicity to his.
As all else falls apart around me, his calming mantra soothes me, brings about me an inner peace and while all else is lost and just we remain, I feel at one with harmony. It seems rather childish to say, specifically as we have never met, but there is just something inexplicable, incredible and inaudible between us and whether it is just I who feels it or whether the feeling is mutual, I am not sure, but something has happened which has taken my mind off for the time being and has me focussed entirely on someone else. Whether its wonton or lust, love or desire, that is not to be known but somehow, somewhen, I may just find out and until then, speculation be the devil, it has to be.

I shall not be making any new years resolutions. I believe not in their false hope, but I shall leave you for tonight with this-
Whatever the future should hold, be it good or bad, I just hope, with all my heart that I can finally put the past to rest. No more abuse, no more hatred, no more ignorance. I can stand for it no longer. My heart has taken enough and cannot shatter any smaller.

Thank you as ever, my friends. You have been the rocks on which I stand.

And to you, (you know who you are, should you ever read this) you shall never know the depth of emotion you gave me. Be it your will or not, you are doing something I thought impossible. You are helping rebuild this broken doll, fragile and pale, and turning me into something beautiful. I can only hope that one day, we meet and the mystery, although then broken, shall not fade and leave ugliness. You have my undying gratitude, my thanks, my heart.

 

Hurricane

Ok, I’m running from the light, running from the day to night.
Oh, the quiet silence defines our misery.
The riot inside keeps trying to visit me.
No matter how we try, it’s too much history.
Too many bad notes playing in our symphony.
So let it breathe, let it fly, let it go.
Let it fall, let it crash, burn slow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well it’s officially Christmas eve. The time of reckoning is upon me and I am thoroughly dreading the next 3 days. To say that this will likely be the worst holiday season I’ve had is an understatement. 3 days of trying to appear happy and joyous for the sake of those around me. The 2nd year without my family, the 2nd year with my mother not saying happy Christmas, My brother and sister not giving a damn about me and I’ll be without my wonderful Squirtle.

Even as a child, I never really enjoyed Christmas. There would be presents under the tree, which would be ripped open within 10 minutes of getting up and then the whole day, filled with mother screaming and yelling about the noise, complaining about having to spend all day cooking in the kitchen, Then we’d be forced to do the dishes and scrub the kitchen clean before having to sit quietly by our selves for the rest of the afternoon. Even when my Dad was still living at home, christmas eve would be hell, christmas mornings scheduled around HIS telly and what he wanted to do. God help us if we so much as spoke one word at dinner..

Now, I’d give anything for that. Just to know that there was a mother there to give me a Happy Christmas, Just to know that she cared enough to cook dinner for me. Yes, I have Alan’s family… but recent weeks have just proven that they are HIS family. Not ours. Not mine. The mother I thought I had isn’t really mine. She never was.

There’s just a big gaping hole in my chest and the winter snow is cold. Its freezing my core, the lights from the tree burning into my soul, ripping away all hope of repair, leaving the tattered and scorched edges of my being in disarray, broken beyond repair, unable to be stitched back together.

I have to try- for Naomi. But inside, my heart is breaking. I’d rather be sat at the computer talking on p2s to all my friends than sat at the table with Alan’s family, pretending to be happy and merry. I’ll probably just get as drunk as possible and let the whole time pass in a haze.

I just WISH I was elsewhere. Anywhere but here. Anytime but now.

Fuck Christmas and all the Family bullshit. I have no family other than that little girl. She’s all I need.

 

My internal monologue

Pray to your god, open your heart
Whatever you do, don’t be afraid of the dark
Cover your eyes, the devil’s inside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lately my posts seem to have delved into a deeper, darker side of my psyche, reached an inner depth that I forgot I had, and for that, my dearest readers, I am sorry.
It is difficult sometimes to turn off the raging in my own mind and to remember that the people who read my writings might not need (or want) to know what is going on in my head and for that, I’m sorry.

However, I do have to admit that it has been somewhat refreshing, spewing out my self-hypocrises, ridding my mind of the crippling cobwebs that have been gathering thus far. My mind feels clearer, my heart, slightly lighter and the dark clouds finally seem to be lifting, allowing just the smallest slither of light through. Perhaps this is simply the eye of the storm and what is approaching may push me back into the abyss, leaving no hope for a reprisal, but for now I am content to stay in this blissfull state of ignorance, closing the curtains and denying the rain hitting hard at the window panes.

I suppose that this interlude is large in part to 2 particular people. Those who shall not be named, as naming and “shaming” (far be that from the truth) would only serve to embarrass not only myself, but those involved. These two individuals, who both share my heart, have managed to do something that I thought impossible. Though they know not of their accomplishments and the consequences of their actions, I will never forget. I can’t forget how they saved me, how their words, their kindness, their compassion, has pulled me out of the pits of my own demise and breathed a new lease of life into my otherwise still lungs. Though we have never met, I feel deeper for both of you than I ever could have thought possible and while you may never realise the full extent of such emotions (and as I am equally sure that I myself would never realise) such emotion has left a permanent mark on my heart, my soul and my being and as I sit here and talk to you all tonight, I hope that maybe one day, I may just be able to tell you how much you mean to me.
One of you more than the other. For you, words will never be enough to express what you have done for me, and though mutual be it not, the fact remains that you will ALWAYS be at the forefront of my mind.

My heart still jumps when you talk to me, you make me smile, as though the sun is bursting through the darkness, shattering the shadows overcasting my heart.

For that, I will never, COULD never forget.
Thank you.