What is “Love”?

La letizia si convertia, in amarissimo pianto
Io sono in pace
Vide Cor Meum

~ From Vide Cor Meum of Dante’s La vita Nuova
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Valentine’s day is almost upon us again, and while the shops are filled with heart shaped candy, balloons, teddies etc all adorned with hearts and declarations of love, it has made me stop and think.
This will be the first valentines’ in 7 years I have spent alone, the first in 7 years that I haven’t recieved a card whereby I am promised an eternity of love and affection “for ever and ever”. (Which of course, lasted all of 6 years ¬_¬)

So I’ve been thinking – What exactly is “Love” and why do we place such high value on it?!

Many people argue feverently that love is an emotion which is both pure and happy, it is something to be cherished, something wonderful. I tend to look at it as a bio-chemical response to stimuli. Nothing more than a hormone production inside our own bodies, aiming to facilitate the natural instinct to procreate. We mate with those who’s features compliment ours to ensure maximum percentage chance of successful copulation, ultimately culminating in the best possible permutation for our offspring in terms of looks (again – the appeal on others to procreate and continue the human species) and that of intelligence (ensuring the maximum chance of a successful, happy life, thus extending the quality of life, and in effect, the life expectancy of our offspring) We say we “love” this person, but it is merely just a physical connection, forged so that we can ensure they stay close to us. It is this bond, this closeness which all but guarantess our “claim” to their genes.

Are we destined to be with one person? Do each of us have one “soulmate” whom we are destined to be with for our entire lives? There was a time when I thought this to be true, however I cannot say that I support this theory anymore. As individuals, we are just too complex for just one person to be fully complimentary to us. We are many faceted, too complex for even ourselves to understand – how can we as individuals expect just one other person to equally match that? It is illogical to believe for a moment that we can settle for being with just one person. If this were to be true, then why would we fall in and out of love so easily and so flippantly as we do.

In my self-loathing self-critical state of idealistic musings, I refute such humorous claims. There are exceptions to every rule of course, and there are some people who believe that it IS possible to stay with the same person their entire lives; some even manage to achieve that feat, but are they really “soulmates” or are they just lucky enough to find someone who compliments their most complex personality traits and can put up with their petty foibles long enough to last their lifetime? We all change as individuals, we grow, we adapt. The Real test of “love” is whether you bend or break. Those moments when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and a heavy sinking in your heart. Does your partner notice? Does he stand up and fight for you as he should? And can you bend for him, allowing him to lean on you every once in a while?

It is when we bend too much that the cracks in our exterior start to shine through. When one of us bends and the other keeps pushing, keeps leaning, craving more than you can give; we break. Snap like twigs in the harsh cold of winter. The attraction then is lost, we fall “out of love”. Does this then mean that we have suddenly lost emotion for them? Of course not. Emotion is not such a petty thing that it can be “lost” within a mere few hours, or even weeks. If that were the case, then we would not grieve for our departed, we would not linger on past events, hoping to reclaim the feelings we once had. It is my strong belief that when we fall “out of love”, all that is happening is merely a psychological response to the realisation that what we percieved once as the “optimal” factor for our reproductive needs, is simply no longer strong enough. Unless we grow as individuals at a constant rate, one of us will always ultimately take the lead, one of us will be too far ahead of the other and that “other” will no longer be able to suit our needs.

And what happens when these needs are no longer met? We look elsewhere. We seek the company of those most like ourselves, that of other people who compliment the gap in our exteriors.

I’m not talking of cheating. We as humans are monogamous by nature, it is in our genes to be monogamous, but not for life. We are not like swans, nor are we like anglerfish or ospreys. We are monogamous and polyarmorous at the same time. We mate with one but hold the attraction of many. It is natural, it is necessary for our survival. When one of “loves” flames die, we must strike up a match and light another. Maybe not right away, maybe not in the sense that we “must” be with another as some people are just meant to be alone, their genes not strong enough to attract attention from another.

So what of online “dating”? Can we say then that there is “love” found online? Can we even love someone we’ve never met?
If we were to believe popular notions of romance and “sexual” attraction, then it would not be possible to fall in love with someone unless you have seen them with your own two eyes, unless you have touched them, smelled their scent and spoken to them. However, it has been proven that people HAVE met online and gone on to have sucessful relationships.
So why is that? Well, for one, there is a veil of mystery shadowing our exteriors. Online we can be whoever we want to be. You, my readers, do not know my face (unless you are of the few who DO know me) you do not know anything more than I choose to share with you. There is mystery. It is this “mystery exterior” that perhaps shields us from predejuice and allows us to greater know the person whom we speak to.
Even if we are shown pictures of that individual, we do not know for sure that it is their real face, yet we trust that it is. If you don’t know the person in a physical manner, we are left with just one thing on which to base our perceptions – Their intellect. We get to know their mind, the way they think, if then connections are to be made then they are made based on one’s intellectual needs rather than the physical.

But then what happens is that these two individuals “meet”. The making and breaking point of such a relationship based on pure interpretation of non-physical complimentaries. One of only two things can happen – The two individuals realise that there was no attraction and remain strictly platonic, yet intellectually fulfilled, or sparks fly. Mental attraction becomes physical. The need for fulfillment in one sense becomes an overwhelming desire for fulfillment on all levels, thus again forging the physical bond needed to lay possession to their genes, should they serve to compliment our own. We must watch however, that we do not lose sight of what bought us together in the first place, else we end up right back at the beginning.

“Love is beauty, Love is kind, Love is whole”
This phrase (or a permutation of) is commonly recited at weddings, as it was my own, yet I deny it so.
Love is neither beautiful or kind. “love” is what we make it and such notions that it should make us “whole” are preposterous. Can we sit back and just accept that one day a knight in shining armor is just going to waltz into our lives and magically everything will be okay? Everything will suddenly burst into sunlight, our hearts full of warm happy feelings of joy and amazement?
Of course not. If we were to do that then the human race would have died out many moons ago.

Love is what you make it. Be it that you believe it is pure emotion or an innate instinct, we cannot as a race, sit back and just allow ourselves to get comfortable with the mundane. If we dont’ strive to better ourselves, if we do not respect ourselves and if we’re not content with who WE are as individuals, then we can (and should) never expect others to do so.

As I leave you all for another night, I can only hope that this somewhat literal viewpoint serves as a reminder that we are only human; Mistakes will be made, and made in their thousands. It is what we do after they have been made which defines us as individuals and ultimately decides the course of our own futures. I myself have made mistakes, perhaps getting married was one of those, however it has led me here to you tonight; it has taken these mistakes to reach this point where I can wholeheartedly say that I am happy to be me.

I hope, my friends, that you too are happy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.

E d’esto core ardendo, Appresso gir lo ne vedea piangendo.

 

Breaking Free

I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its been a while since my last update, and I apologise for such. Things have been turbulent at home and should I have posted, it would have turned into little more than an idle rant accomplishing absolutely nothing but venting anger. I prefer to stay away from such posts as I find them very uneduacted and tedious to read; so I waited as to not bore you with potential drivvel. Now however, I feel an intense urge to write and this blog is the best medium for such.

Since the last update, there have been a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but I’m not letting them get to me any longer! I cannot simply stand by and allow Alan to treat me like shit and get away with it! After a couple of weeks on the sofa, things slowly getting worse and worse, I have now kicked HIM out of the bedroom! Sleeping on that sofa bed has done nothing but hurt my back, cause my fibro to flare and put me in a LOT of unecessary pain.

I went to see Rose this evening and came home to find the house void of large items. Alan has apparently found somewhere else to live, has paid the rent on the house until the 2nd march and has been moving his stuff across this evening. Problem is, that he has also taken MY stuff. The ps3 was bought primarily for me so that I can play lbp and final fantasy. He said I can only pay it back if I agree to pay half of HIS credit card bill ¬_¬ The ps3 wasn’t even paid on the credit card and I don’t see why I should have to miss out because he’s being an ass. He’s even gone so far as to say that he wants his Talisman characters that he painted.. I mean come ON! Its a bloody board game – what’s he going to do with 6 pieces? If he wishes to be petty, then so be it, I cannot be dealing with the stress and his petulence belittles him whilst bothering me not.

I am now left however, in a predicament whereby I need to find somewhere else to live. The rent will be paid up until the 2nd March, but I am hoping to be out of here before that. Preferably before HE leaves so that I dont’ have to worry about the inevitable mess that he will leave behind for me to clean up. Although he says that if I left before then, he and his “friend” were going to come in and do it, no doubt so that HE can be on hand to collect the deposit from our landlord. I’m going to have to talk very nicely to him (the landlord) and see if we can come up with something so that I can get Naomi out of here asap. Its impossible to live in this situation and completely unfair to have Naomi deal with it too. Needless to say that when he said he had a 2 bed flat and was taking Naomi to live with him while I “sort myself out”, I hit the roof! No way is he going to have her move in with him. He is neither equipped Nor responsible enough to look after her full time. I’m dubious even about her going to stay with him at weekends, but alas, I cannot just take her away from her daddy. That would not be fair on her at all.

I shall have to find something else to fill my time while I am by myself during those days she is with him. His plan (and the idea did cross my mind) was that he pick her up on a saturday afternoon and drop her at school on monday morning, I’d then pick her up on monday afternoon. It means I get little time alone with her, between school and meals etc, but at least she’d be in a more happy environment.

And then when I move into my own place (be it that I keep the house or find a flat in the near vicinity of Naomi’s school) I shall be getting a visit from my wonderful friend! I cannot say much at this point, but it would suffice to say that it is large in part down to him that I have had the strength to finally make such a large decision and leave this nightmare behind. Many a night I’ve spent awake late into the night, sobbing my heart out, torn between my loyalty to my daughter’s welfare and the troubles tormenting my heart. Many a night I’ve cried myself to sleep, unable to decide upon a set action. Each time, he’s been there listening, comforting, telling me that I DID possess the courage to follow what my logic was screaming at me, telling me that I could indeed make it on my own and that whilst I had lost all my family (other than squirtle) and my friends, I still had people that care for me and I would not be alone.

It has been such a comfort knowing that there is someone 5000 miles away who cares for me more than my own husband. Perhaps that is why Alan has decided to accuse me of cheating on him. Because I choose to sit and talk to “some guy” I’ve never met until the early hours of the morning rather than talk to him. Would he have spent the time noticing the clouds ever-looming over my head, then maybe I may have been more open to communication, but he still notices not the scars on my arms, he notices not the tears streaked down my cheeks. No, he throws his comments into the fray, unawares as to what effect they have and I have grown tired of his petty insolence.

So the time is upon us! I am now “separated” in the process of gaining my life back, claiming it as my own. Yes, I will be a single mother. Yes, I will be reliant on state benefits (for a while) and I am under no illusions that it will be easy. It will be a long uphill struggle for a while, but I am certain that I would be a lot happier than I currently am, and that is a definate plus.

As to what happens after that, I don’t know. I’d like to say that I will be able to close my heart off for a while, but who knows what the future holds. I’m going to concentrate on just having fun and being myself for a while! I can only hope that I can regain some of what was lost over the last 6 years and learn from these mistakes.

Thank you, as ever to all of you who have helped to keep me sane in past months! And to you cookie, should you ever read this, you know how I feel and I cannot say it more meaningfully that I have tonight. You have done SO much for this “british girl” than you could ever imagine and you have my sincere thanks. I can only hope that you let me somehow repay you for your kindness. Maybe when you come visit me! (Super soon pwease!) Much ❤ Mwahhhhhh! :X :*

Well, goodnight all, love to you all, stay safe and well!

 

New Beginnings!

Hidamari sansan kokoro wa haremoyou
Futatsu no hitomi wa himawari no tane no you

Katarai kasanari katamari karamari
Issho ni iru koto zettai hitsuzen

Demo anata daiji na yume o egaku
Owaru made wa zutto sou kokode (matteiru)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say that a new year is the best time to make a new start and what a start I’ve made!

I can honestly say that my marriage appears to be officially over.

I cannot say why but I do not feel that saddened by this. It is more of a giant relief, like the weight has been lifted off my back and I am finally free as a spirited individual! The method in which the breakages appeared was less than preferable however, and yesterday evening almost culminated with my either going completely insane and breaking myslef, or smashing up the house, leaving the place in terrible shatters.
Luckily at this time, my Very lovely friends were online and able to calm the madness that was brewing. Were it not for them, I dread to think of the state my mind and my house would be in!

Alan decided to take Naomi yesterday. Not just a quick trip to the shops with a “goodbye, be back soon” but literally, took her out, no goodbye, no nothing. He said “I’ll take her to the park” and left. All I got was a note saying “We’re going to the park and then to mum and dads. We’ll not be missed coz you don’t care” and that was that.
All because I slept in. I forgot that he had the day off work so when Naomi came into the bedroom in the morning and woke me up, I asked that she go play in her bedroom for a few minutes so that I could wake up and un-stiffen myself.
But no, that’s not allowed and he thought it necessary to “remove” her from the house in a rage with NO phone call at all. I text him and got no reply. No word of IF and when he would be bringing her back, no phoning me telling me that she is okay, that she was safe and having fun.. Nothing.

And so I slowly grew angrier.. and angrier, close to boiling point; using music and friends to keep my sanity I am astonished that I even made it to 8pm before I went crazy. When he walked through the door at close to 9pm, I was fully ready to welcome my little girl, running into my arms. It never happened. He’d left her at his parents overnight so he could come home and “sort things out”. That, as they say, was the final straw. It was just fortunate that the laptop was on my lap and I managed to keep a hold of my temper. I felt like swinging for him, hitting him as hard as possible, making him hurt physically as he had hurt me emotionally. Not that it is in me to be particularly violent, but when it regards my little girl, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to defend her, to protect her and ensure her happiness.

In regards to “sorting things out” I cannot admit to going into the whole scenario with an open heart. My heart by this point was already in tatters, my mind raging, my whole body trembling with anger and rage. Of all the things which might have happened during such a conversation, I have to say that I am somewhat astonished by that which did. Not only do I refer back to my previous posts in which I explain how I was labelled a “prostitute” by my “husband”, but also to posts way past. I have spoken before about my past and the effect it has had on my being, and all the work I have done to nullify the consequences of such, but he also managed in one foul sweep to ensure that any hope of salvation for our relationship was left in complete disarray in the gutter by dragging it all back up again.

Not only is he completely oblivious to how he has treated me, but he also doesn’t consider his words. I am (according to him) to stay in the house, to not stay OUT of the house overnight because of my “history”. At the point he said this, I could no longer hold back. I screamed. I shouted. I was glad that Naomi was not in the house as the explatives that were pushed from my mouth were not those for ears of a tender nature. The entirety of his reasoning to not want me to stay away from “his bed” for the night was because there are guys out in the big wide world and should I stay out for the night, I would get attacked again. As if me staying out for the night had any bearing over the behaviour and actions of others. He claimed that I “want to live the single life” and that I “put myself out” to attract attention of other guys. That, according to him is why I bought my corset and that, as he says is why I stay up late into the night. So that I might grab the attention of other people rather than go to bed with him.

Needless to say that he is making ME out to be the bad one in all of this and according to him, it is MY fault that I was raped at uni because I let my friend stay over the night because he walked me home late at night after going out clubbing. That is MY fault and “will only happen again if I’m not home”. After this, the music went up to full blast and I simply blocked out everything else that he accused me of.

I left him with NO illusions that things between us were ever going to be repaired, I shouted some more, told him JUST what I thought of him controlling me, being no better than my mother (who incidentally wouldn’t let me stay the night with HIM *to which he caused a HUGE row about*) and I told him that I’m sick to death of him beating me down emotionally and that I’ve had enough.

So now, the current plan is that I go to the CAB (citizens advice beaurau) and I look into getting my own place! I know it means that I have to rely on state benefits, but in my current situation, I don’t see that I have any other choice, until that is, I am in a position to work. Then I have to sort my passport. Save some money.

hopefully within the year, I might be able to move to the US and make that fresh start that my heart has been pining for. I know for a certainty that I will miss my darling squirtle more than anything, but I’ll make trips back. I’ll have to – for Naomi. In the long run however, I think that it would be better for us both. The med support over there is MUCH better (for my fibro) the schooling system will be greatly beneficial to Naomi, the housing is cheaper, I’d get a job easier, I have many friends over there and wouldn’t feel so isolated!

I know just where I’ll end up too. Houston, Texas. You might think that it’s a bit rash, moving so far away, making these decisions right now, but I’ve never liked this country. It’s done nothing for me other than make me miserable. there has been so much negative here, so much knocking me down. I NEED to go out and do something for myself. Something that would make ME happy.

I gave my all for him in these 6 years. I lost friends, family, my music, my entire life was devoted to him. All I got from it was my beautiful daughter.