Friends past and present

I’ve never needed many friends around me. I’m just not one of those people, so why is it that now I have none, I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back; forgotten and laid to waste alongside other forgotten memories like some seedy past that everyone seems to be ashamed of? 

I used to think that I had a friend in the world. Just one. One who stood beside me while my world fell into ruins. One who used to come to my side when she knew I needed her the most… I never needed to ask, never needed to tell her I needed her. She was the first person I told when I made the big step and left my abusive ex husband. The one I told when I fell pregnant every time. 

I thought surely our friendship was infallible, unbreakable and stood the very greatest of tests: time. But it seems our time has passed. It has been a year now since we spoke face to face, Skye is now almost 5 months old and my best friend still hasn’t made time to come and see her. I’ve tried, oh gosh how I’ve tried to get her over here to meet the baby I so desperately craved. Yet still, she ignores my requests, my emails remain unanswered and the one person whom I thought incapable of abandoning me seems to have done just that.

It’s as if a giant great big sink hole has opened up underneath my feet and I can no longer see the outer edges. I’m so hurt and confused. It’s very rare that something happens and I fail to comprehend its meaning yet here I sit, tears streaming down my cheeks, my mind whizzing and whirring, trying to find some kind of reasoning for her actions..

We’ve had times in the past where we’ve gone months without talking, and a year without seeing each other, but all we have had to do is pick up the phone and she’s been there and vice versa. This time is different. It feels different and I’ve tried calling and emailing to no avail.

Did I do something wrong? Have I committed some crime that I’m not to know about? I don’t think I’m quite yet ready to have her give up on me and phase into the background. I don’t want to lose her; I’m more scared of that than I would be of losing my own life. I was there last year when she married, as she was for me. She was there for me when my world repeatedly collapsed in on itself, she was there when I needed someone to stand at my back and guard me against the horrors of life.

She was there when I thought nobody else would be.

But not now. And I feel alone.

In the past, when I’ve felt lonely or scared, it was okay because I knew she was there… What do I do now? Where do I go from here?

 

I guess the only place I can go is forward, and hope that somewhere along the road I’m walking, she’ll be there waiting, wondering where I went. I would like to think that she’s just waiting for the right moment and then all will be okay again, that maybe there’s something she can’t yet tell me…

Who am I kidding? Maybe I’m just destined to have people walk in and out of my life without a care. I’m so hurt.

I have a wonderful support network around me from all of the other July ’13 mummies I have met both online and some in person throughout the last year and they really are wonderful… I will hopefully carve out some pretty meaningful friendships with each and every one of them, but will I be able to regain a shred of what I have lost? Probably not. Will I be able to fill the gaps with a new kind of connection? 

Time itself is the only thing which can answer that question.

My heart and soul are screaming out tonight. Begging for some kind of comfort…  

 

Of gingerbread men and mistletoe kisses…

I’ve decided to re-open this blog and perhaps it can offer an outlet for my inner musings again, like it used to in years past. Things have been stewing in my head for too long and for a while, I lost who I was again; too afraid of the sunshine outside my window, preferring instead to sit inside and watch the rest of the world smile at the sky.

Things have been really busy the last few months, with having a new baby in the house, planning our first christmas as a family of 4 and all the associated shopping, school runs, cooking and cleaning that entails. I am however still very much in love with my wonderful daughter’s father, with all that he is and all he makes me. I may be steering a little too closely to PND territory again, I still have bad days… I have days where getting out of bed in the mornings seems a little too difficult but there he is, waiting.

Yes, we argue and as much as any other couple we have our grievances and our trials but on the whole, he breathes life into me, picking up the pieces as he walks deliberately in my shadow, waiting for my stumbles so that he might catch me and place my feet firmly back on the ground. If there were ever two people who were destined to be together, I would be completely aghast if it were not he and I, written into the books of everlasting.

Afterall, he gave me my miracle. He gave me the little girl I so oft dreamt of.

He gave me a reason to smile, when all my sorrows became to heavy for my shoulders alone to bear.

So, what do I want for Christmas this year I hear you ask?
Nothing.
Not a thing.
Except a promise that he will allow me to remain at his side until time itself deem that my time on this earth has been too plentiful.
A promise that he too, will stay by me, holding my hand through the torrential downpours inside the storm I call a soul. Until the clouds break, revealing nothing but a shining sun. And then beyond, into the forever; into the after.

Wherever that may be.