Ah! réponds à ma tendresse!
Verse-moi, verse-moi l’ivresse!
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A sense of overwhelming calmness has radiated over my being in the last few weeks. There’s not a single cloud in sight and the darkness that has been casting its shadow over my life for the last (god knows how many) years appears to have suddenly dissipated and left nothing but a bright sunny disposition in my heart.
Is this really the effect of my being single again? I wasn’t aware that I was *that* unhappy in my relationship – my marriage; Is it therefore safe to assume that it became the dead weight that was holding me down, making me miserable and keeping me from becoming the person I was always supposed to be? Be that the case, then I am glad I was finally shown how happy I could be and given the courage to spread my wings and break free!
Of course, I honestly believe with the entirety of my heart that it would not be possible, but for the support of one person. My Guiding Light, who came out of nowhere and into my life when I needed someone the most. I have many friends and acquaintances, all of whom have helped in their own ways, but when talking to him I feel in complete serenity, an overwhelming sense of peace surrounding me.
“Tatta hitotsu no korogatte’ta atashi wo
kirei ni shite kurete itsudatte sasaete kureta”
When we first started talking, it was as 2 individuals, with a common goal and common interest. Looking back now, I believe it was my love of music that led us to talking. It seems so long ago now, though it has only been 5 months! Now, we talk so often it’s hard to say where we’re going and what’s going to happen, nevertheless, I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. Though to you it might seem a little silly, me saying that some random guy 5000 miles away whom I met on a GPT site has made such a difference to my life, but it just goes to show that we should never underestimate the potential influence that one single individual could have on our existence as without this one person, I would still be stuck in a dead-end relationship being treated like shit, getting trodden on and forced to just exist without purpose.
That was never my aim in life. I have always known that I am destined for greater things, to be my own person and to achieve all that I wish for. The thought that I could have been squandered and squashed, shaped into someone else’s ideal for the rest of my life is a terrifying thought and I am so glad that I have managed to escape. Since I have been “alone” I have been able to fully focus on what I want and I finally know where I am going. I am learning Japanese again, my music is once again the most important thing in my life and I feel as though I have purpose!
It’s so strange being this calm. It’s almost as though my mind is the ocean, still on a calm spring day, gently ebbing and flowing in harmony with the clouds drifting overhead. There’s no storms on the horizon and the sun is brightly shining. Though it might be raining outside the window, there is sunshine in my heart and it seems as though nothing can stop it warming me with its rays!
I cannot comprehend how one person could make me feel this way. Especially one person whom I’ve not (yet) met. I don’t know if this is love, or just wanton longings but it’s good for me and I don’t want it to ever end. We shall have to wait for the time being and just hope that in 5-6 weeks when we finally DO meet, everything will work out the way I will it to and be it for a few months or the forseeable future, I shall be happy to share my home, my life and my time with this wonderful person who has bought me out of my shell and taught me that the world can be a beautiful place.
I listen to this song every day on my way back from taking Naomi to school, and it never fails to put a spring in my step. As I stand on the crossroads where I so very nearly ended my life not so long ago, I reminisce back to that time and wonder why I didn’t do anything to counteract the madness that I was drowning in. Now, to think that I was so ready to throw it all away; Looking at the scars on my arm from no more than a month and a half ago… I can’t help but feel relieved that I got out when I did. I can’t imagine where I’d be now had I not gotten out, had I not been given that little push in the right direction, that little nudge from someone who would turn out to be so important to me.
There will be some hard times, there will be some days when I feel the weight of the world bearing down upon my shoulders, but now I know that I will always have someone there watching out for me, ready to make me feel better again and give me a reason to go on.
You’ll never know the full extent of my gratitude. If I could say just one thing; Had I the strength to actually voice it then maybe, just maybe – you’d know. Alas, I cannot. The only thing I can say is thank you.
Arigatou Gozaimasu. Daisuke da yo, Anata ga aishiteru.
Lacrimosaangel~ Eyes on me 