Yume no Tsubomi

I dreamt of you again last night, as if my head was refusing to let go of what my heart could not.
I find myself wanting you, although the sting of rejection is the only possible outcome.

Its been a while since I lasted popped on my blog, and even longer since I’ve updated. I’ve been addicted to points2shop and I say it’s just as well. There has been so much happening in the last few weeks, its getting harder to tell reality from Dreams and the waking from the night-time visions of grandure. I’ve stumbled, I’ve fallen and I’ve gotten back on my feet. It seems like the nonsensical chatter of complete strangers is the only thing keeping me remotely sane at the moment and I think that maybe its time I re-evaluated my position in life.

Naomi has started school, which has been wonderful, but a problem in itself. I’m not getting the time with her that I’d like and she gets so stroppy during the mornings that by the time we get there, I’m glad she’s there. But then I walk home to the empty house, the toys scattered across the room, and I feel empty. I am finding it really difficult trying to balance being a mother and myself and I fear that I am doing such a bad job of it that Naomi would prefer being at school. Am I such a bad person really? Am I such a bad mother that my daughter would rather be anywhere but with me?

I fear that I am slipping back into the realm of the unconcious mind, walking around in a dream, waiting for someone to wake me, to shock me back into the land of the living. Again, I feel the temptation to bleed, to scream, to shout just to know that I am alive. Maybe its because its this time of year again.
The time of year when everyone rushes to be at the side of their families; the time of year when children and mothers, brothers and sisters, fathers and sons gather together and celebrate eachother. The one day of the year where people can truely be at peace with eachother and forgive the distractions of their anger. And where will my family be at christmas? Together. Without me. Casting me aside for another year of anger and solice, another new years with noone to phone. Another new Years of silently creeping into my daughters room, wishing her all the love in the world, secretly wishing that THIS will be the year that my mother finally accepts her, comes to visit her, get to know her.

I couldn’t give a shit about me. I’ve come to terms with my mother not wanting me. Of nobody wanting me. I’ve grown accustomed to being that outcast. The girl with the tears in her eyes, the fire in her head and the anger in her heart. I’ve gotten used to being the backword to everyone’s conversations, the heart of their ridicule and the force behind their hate and fury. What I don’t like is the way that my daughter, my sweet, sweet angel, growing up with a similar hate aimed at her.

I shouted at her again today. Told her that if she didn’t hurry up the the school wouldn’t let her in because we’ll be late. I feel shit for saying that and I wish, SO much that I can take it back. I wish I didn’t get so mad at her. I wish that I didn’t get so frustrated. I sometimes forget that she is only 3 and that she, although brilliant in her own way, and very much advanced, IS only a small girl. I wish that she were here so that I could tell her how much I loved her.

I think of how much I’ve missed out on, losing my babies and it makes me stop and think at how much I wish Naomi to be that small baby in my arms. She’s off exploring the “big girl” world and I wish that just for one day, I can drift back into the hours spent on the sofa, just holding her. The hours I spent just watching her sleep. I miss those days. Now she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me, so I sit and amuse myself talking to people online. frittering away the hours, hoping for interaction.

Is this what I am to become? The type of mother whos daughter never wants to play with her? I just want her to grow up in a stable home, loved by those around her, I don’t want her to have the same childhood I did and I will do anything within my power to stop it.

So, I shall try my hardest to spend more time with her. Even if I need to force it upon her!

I want to scream, I want to shout, I want the music all around me to completely absorb me and swallow me whole.

There has been at least one positive thing to come out of this whole experience. I’ve lost weight again. This may be due to the walks I take eachday whilst taking Naomi to school and back, or it maybe attributed to the Lack of food intake that I am surprisingly NOT forcing upon myself. I have had a real drop in my appetite of late and I fear that it may be turning into something more, so for the sake of my loved ones, I am needing to force myself to eat, even if it is once per day. At least if I can love myself, there is a *slight* hope for others to do the same.

冬の終わりに風が吹いた
妙に暖かくて泣きそうになった
あなたの笑顔が
いつでも僕の励みだった
その温もりを　その輝きを
どれほど心に繋いで
今を生きてるだろうか

夢の蕾よ　お前は
花となり咲くだろうか
時の中に埋もれそうになった夢
それは春へ伸びる光

勘違いの様な暖かい日
公園の木々も空へ伸びている
あなたとこうして
日だまりの中　手を繋いで
上手くいかない日もあるけれど
わずかな木漏れ日の中にも
同じ太陽感じられる

雪をかぶった夢でも
あなたへと続いていく
この道を歩いて行こうと思うよ
見失わぬように
すれ違い　抱き合い
雪が降り　春を待った
今なら分かる本当の夢はいつも
愛する人の笑顔の中

夢の蕾よ　お前は
花となり咲くだろうか
愛する人　あなたの
幸せを守りたい
強く優しく本当の夢はいつも
あなたの笑顔の中にある
蕾よ　花になって輝け
春の香りに包まれて