I’d wait forever just to see you once more
with each day that my heart aches for you
I take it as a sign that somewhere, you are thinking of me
ずっと ずっと そばにいて
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I’ve been awol lately and for that I apologize, the last few weeks have been very tough and I’ve spent the first 4-5 days in a zombiefied state, closing off the world, wanting to absorb inside myself and disappear into my own pit of ugly despair.
My wonderful David came to visit in March, as we had planned, but instead of being allowed to stay for the time we liked, immigration decided to cause a fuss over his one-way ticket and forced him to go back home again. They “allowed” us 3 days together. 3 days to decide whether we were wishing to persue this relationship, 3 days to decide if we liked eachother; 3 days to make or break a 6 month connection.
My mind was already made up as I sat there until 12am waiting for him, crying my eyes out, stressed and being begged and pleaded with to come back home. Regardless of how nervous I was when I got to the airport, by the time we actually met, the only thing I felt was relief. Oh, and an overwhelming rush of emotion ^_^
The brief 3 days during which I shared my life with this wonderful person were the best 3 days of my life. All the years of nightmares dissipated, I was happier than I had ever been and the connection between ourselves was nothing short of pure magic.
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The distance is hard, I won’t deny it for a second. There are times I feel like giving up, times when I feel as though we’ll always be 5000 miles away and nothing will ever pull us closer. I sit here in the evenings talking to him and all I want to do is reach out for a hug, or a kiss. I sit here and wish that I could just be there, where he is, sat with him, laying with him…
But then I look at how we started, and where we’re going and I can’t help but smile to myself. What started as innocent flirting between two friends exploded into a full blown romance; Fire, Passion and Emotion bursting from its seams.
Distance is good in some respects. It is safe, and free from over-familiarity. But it isn’t enough. I need more than this, by any means and eventually we will be faced with the decision to either go our separate ways or move to be near eachother on a more permanant basis so that we can see eachother every day without the need for technology and without the time difference being a problem.
For now however, we shall have to make do with what we have and so I have booked myself a plane ticket and am flying out to the great US of A and am going to spend 2 glorious weeks with my sweetheart. It’s going to kill me to come home again. To leave him there and return “home” is going to be devastating to my heart and I fear that it may break for the last time. With each goodbye, my heart fractures just a little more and soon there will be no way to piece it back together. I can only hope that we find the means for a more permanant solution before that time arises.
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There is only one road I’m walkin’
Only one lifetime one heart to guide me
Only one road I’m walkin’
But I’m gonna run back, I’m gonna run back
‘Cause I need you right here
Beside me
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And so I am stuck in this apparent limbo. I like my freedom. I really enjoy the fact that I can sit here in the evenings and do what I like without having someone to manuever around, noone else to fit my plans around. Yet on the other hand, I cannot deny that I get lonely. I like having someone to talk to, someone to hold me when I’m upset, someone to bounce my emotions off and help make sense of the madness in my own head. Its not very pretty living in my head sometimes and there are moments when I feel like I’m just meant to be alone. I’m not supposed to be near other people because they’ll end up getting hurt. Maybe that’s why I have my intelligence- to make up for the shortfall in romance and suchlike. Maybe I don’t need love. Maybe I’m not supposed to have it in my life, in my heart.
Is that why I’ve fallen for someone so far away? Because deep down, I know that nothing is likely to come of it and I’m just subconciously protecting myself for the inevitable? afterall, who would love me? I’m just a broken little girl hiding years of pain under my intelligence. What else is there?
I wish that I could be one of these people who just accepts everything as the truth, that I can hear him say “I love you” and just accept it without over analysing every single thing, without my heart and my mind screaming “why, what is there to love”. But no. I had to be cursed with this stupid mind which won’t allow me to believe anything without total and unequivical proof that it is so. A guy flies 5000 miles for THREE days with me and still, I can’t just accept “I love you” without feeling as though its all just a ruse. I can’t just accept it without my mind saying “how can you be sure? You can’t feel how he does so you can’t believe that its real”
Why on earth did I of all people have to be in this mind. I swear, one day it’s going to be the end of me. I cannot believe anything unless I experience it myself. I cannot jump into his body and experience first hand how he feels for me so I can never fully believe it. If I can’t ever fully believe it, I’ll always be thinking “no, he doesn’t love you. noone does. noone ever will” I WANT to believe that someone can love me. I want to be happy. I want to be loved.
ugh, maybe it’s just the distance talking. When we are together again, I know for fact that I will see just how much I mean to him. There’s not many guys who would travel half way round the globe to be with a girl he’d never met before, only to get forced back home and THEN want to do it all over again. We can’t bear to be apart, so why can’t I just yield to my heart and be like everyone else? Its killing me and I can’t cope. If there was a magical pill that I could take that would just switch my brain off so I could just have a half hour’s peace, I’d knock them back like sugar coated candy -_-;
Everyone is always telling me how lucky I am to have knowledge and logic on my side. If only they knew what a curse it really was. The biggest flaw is that I can’t do anything without my head screaming at me and trying to determine if my actions are well founded. I cannot take risks. I cannot just trust my instincts. Such cannot happen to someone like me. I have to be methodical in every aspect and cannot allow my heart to take over.
And then there’s the “baby” incident. Its that time of the year I’ve been dreading, and I’m doing it alone. Oh how I wish that I wasn’t alone this week. I’d give anything to not be alone, but I think that will have to wait for tomorrow. Should I continue tonight down this path I have trodden, I fear that I shall not return. My head is hurting, my mind is in overdrive and I would hate to write something that does not fully reflect my emotions.
Night all.
And to you, my darling David, I DO know that you love me, on some levels at least. Maybe one day, when we are together…. Maybe then I will be able to finally put aside my logic for just a little while and open up this heart of mine. You’re the only person I want to let in. You mean more to me than all the knowledge in the world and if I could give it all up, I’d do it for you so that I didn’t have to be this way.
I’m sorry.
Lacrimosaangel~ Eyes on me 