stark reality

I realised something today ~ Bursting into tears infront of mumsy because of a song is actually quite embarrassing.. specially when she then mocks you for it!

Again, I have been listening to Exogenesis Symphony and am getting SO excited about going to see them!

It seems to have made me think about my family again, and how no matter how much I want to forget about what they’ve done, I can’t. They hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me and I can’t shut it off.

Why am I always longing for someone who doesn’t want me? I should be used to it by now, Hell, no one else would put up with their shit so what is stopping me from just walking away and not looking back?
Perhaps it’s just part of who I am. Right from a young age I’ve been fiercely loyal to everyone. I hold my tongue rather that lash it at those who deserve it. I bottle up my true feelings and never let those around me see who I really am, and now I feel like even I’m losing sight of who I am.

Without my family around me, I find that I have no bearing to gague who I am turning into. We’re all told that our parents shape our futures, that we become altered copies of our parents. What does this mean for me? For a long time now I haven’t “had” parents. Even when I was living at home with mother, I felt completely disconnected, separated from her, as if she had abandoned me early and was just letting me live in her house.
My dad walked out on us when I was 11 and drummed it in my head that my mother was worthless and selfish, while my mother tried to convince me that my father was a violent self-serving bastard who didn’t have a care in the world for us.

How am I to make sure that I ensure my daughter grows up with a decent view of the world if this is what I come from? If we become our parents, then How will my little dandelion grow up? Alan and I are from 2 different worlds. He had a wonderful childhood, a mother who did everything she could for him, she still does. He has a fantastic father who taught him so much, gave him so much love and taught him how to be a man.

Me, I come from a broken home. 2 siblings tossed out onto the street at young ages, parents divorced and at odds with eachother, using us kids as bait. Living on council estates our whole lives, always shunted to one side wherever I went, ignored by almost everyone, left crying myself to sleep because nobody cared.

I cannot stand to think that my darling angel will have to see those influences in her life. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t see my family, yet I hate that they may be a bad influence on her 😦

I do however have to be greatful that she has her wonderful aunty Amber 🙂

Amber, I don’t say it often enough, I know but I love you SO much. You mean every thing to me and I don’t know what I’d do without you. All those times when things were bad at home, when I’m feeling blue, or having a bad day, I think of you and how often you’re there for me when noone else is. You are the BEST little sister and best friend anyone can have and I’m truely honoured to call you family ❤

Well, night all. I'll post a happier blog tomorrow 🙂 love to you all

 

Want free stuff?

I found this site, and it’s fully legit! You can order anything off amazon with your points, or even get MSpoints for xbox downloads!!! it’s all free and 100% safe!

 

My Dream House

My dream house- plinky answers

Japanese traditional style house exterior / 清亀園(せいきえん)

My dream house would be a Traditional Japanese house. It would have all original features, the paper doors, Kotatsu, Sunken bath, Tatami flooring and would be big enough to house all my family.

It would be situated on Lake Ashi and have perfect veiws of Mount Fuji. The front garden would open out onto the lake side and the back garden would back onto the forest. There would be Sakura all around and in the center of the house, a huge open courtyard with traditional Koi pond and rock garden, complete with bonsai.

At the rear of the house would be a natural hot spring with veiws of the Mountain ^_^

 

weight loss ftw

Hello all, just a quick update, will post a longer one tomorrow!

So, this week, Rach has been down from Newport *YAY* and I’ve been doing the Slim Fast diet. So far, I’ve been on it 8 days and lost about 9lbs!!! I’m now back down to a very comfortable 10st! Hopefully I’ll get down to around 9st in the next couple of weeks! It’s expensive, but way worth it 😀

Also, I handed in my first child psychology assignment! yay me!

I’ve finished Amber’s skirt (hopefully she’ll put pics up soon as I forgot xD) and am hoping to start on a new project soon! Its going to be a sweet lolita dress with fluffy winter coat ^_^ I’ma need a sewing machine and a dressmaker’s dummy though (preferably adjustable) but I know *just* where it will go, I have the space reserved in the livingroom for it!! hehe

Well, I’m going to go look at some fabric on the interwebs and watch Rach play Twilight Princess…
Toodle-pip!

 

Memories of what never was

I had a really weird dream last night and it reminded me of someone I haven’t thought about for a while now….

Back when I was living at home, and we were doing dance (I must have been about 15) my mum had a friend called Debra who she used to dance with. After her weekly classes, Debra would come to the hall and use it to let her son and daughter practice their competition routines. Her daughter’s name is Lauren, and her son, Nicholas. He’s 2/3 years older than me and it’s safe to say that I fell for him. I used to just watch him dance, for the whole hour, pretending to read my book but out of the corner of my eye I watched as he glided round the hall to the music.

Mum and Debra became quite good friends and we went over for a meal a couple of times.

It was during one of these visits that I realised my feelings weren’t a secret. Nick came over and gave me his phone number and email address and asked me to email him. So I did. For about a month we emailed each other and spoke about his dance, his college/my school and then he asked me to phone him one night when I got home. I spent the whole day wondering what he wanted to talk about and was nervous about phoning him. His mother was my mum’s friend and they didn’t know that Nick and I had been talking.

As soon as I got home from school, I grabbed my brick of a mobile phone and dialled his number, not knowing what to expect. We didn’t talk for long but it was nice, just to speak to him without our parents around. We arranged to meet up while I was in portswood with Rose that weekend…

So we met at the dance studio I used to go to as a child and went for a nice walk. (it was then that I almost got hit by the double decker bus… I just didn’t see it! *I was too distracted XD*) After a couple of hours walking around and talking, it was time for Rose and I to head back to her house, so I said goodbye and he walked us to the big junction before going home himself.. It was then that I was tempted to run back to him and kiss him goodbye, but I stopped myself not wanting to make a fool of myself (again)

After that, we started phoning and emailing eachother a bit more regularly, and we became a lot closer. He’d sit and talk to me during his break at the dance studio on a tuesday evening, He emailed me at least once a week, and I’d phone him.
During one of these conversations, he asked me if I wanted to go to his house one weekend, and said that we could just relax and have a good time.. and then something happened.. Something that I will hate my mother for, for the rest of my life.

One evening, just after Nick asked me to go over and spend the day with him (I hoped secretly that he liked me as much as I did him) Mother said she wanted to talk to me. Instead, she forbade me to ever talk to Nick again. She grounded me, stopped me using the computer to check my email, took my phone away and said that if she ever saw me trying to contact him, she’d phone the police.
When I asked why, she told me that she had gone over their house to fix the computer and had found that Nick had downloaded (and I quote) “Child pornography” and that he was a paedophile.

Of course I didn’t believe her, and to this day I still don’t, as any decent person would inform the police had they found something like that, but at the time, she upset me so much that I couldn’t face talking to him.

I hate her for that. I honestly thought I loved him. He was the first person I’d felt so strongly about (Other than Joe) and I didn’t know what to do after she told me what he’d apparently done. I wish that I hadn’t have lost contact with him.

My dream last night reminded me that no matter what happens, you should never forget the people in your past.
I tried to find him on facebook just out of curiosity, but there’s no sign of him anywhere. It’s starting to annoy me that most of the important people in my life (other than family) all seem to be like Nick, and Joe. They stay away from sites like these, making it difficult to get in touch. I don’t like not knowing what would have happened, and would love to go back and re-read those emails, but I can’t even remember the email address I had back then and if it would even work now!

Well, wherever he is, I hope he’s happy. I wish that things weren’t so difficult and that my mind wouldn’t keep tripping me up like this. Remembering old flames/almost boyfriends etc isn’t a great idea for me, I tend to get too emotional about this sort of thing……