I’ve never needed many friends around me. I’m just not one of those people, so why is it that now I have none, I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back; forgotten and laid to waste alongside other forgotten memories like some seedy past that everyone seems to be ashamed of?
I used to think that I had a friend in the world. Just one. One who stood beside me while my world fell into ruins. One who used to come to my side when she knew I needed her the most… I never needed to ask, never needed to tell her I needed her. She was the first person I told when I made the big step and left my abusive ex husband. The one I told when I fell pregnant every time.
I thought surely our friendship was infallible, unbreakable and stood the very greatest of tests: time. But it seems our time has passed. It has been a year now since we spoke face to face, Skye is now almost 5 months old and my best friend still hasn’t made time to come and see her. I’ve tried, oh gosh how I’ve tried to get her over here to meet the baby I so desperately craved. Yet still, she ignores my requests, my emails remain unanswered and the one person whom I thought incapable of abandoning me seems to have done just that.
It’s as if a giant great big sink hole has opened up underneath my feet and I can no longer see the outer edges. I’m so hurt and confused. It’s very rare that something happens and I fail to comprehend its meaning yet here I sit, tears streaming down my cheeks, my mind whizzing and whirring, trying to find some kind of reasoning for her actions..
We’ve had times in the past where we’ve gone months without talking, and a year without seeing each other, but all we have had to do is pick up the phone and she’s been there and vice versa. This time is different. It feels different and I’ve tried calling and emailing to no avail.
Did I do something wrong? Have I committed some crime that I’m not to know about? I don’t think I’m quite yet ready to have her give up on me and phase into the background. I don’t want to lose her; I’m more scared of that than I would be of losing my own life. I was there last year when she married, as she was for me. She was there for me when my world repeatedly collapsed in on itself, she was there when I needed someone to stand at my back and guard me against the horrors of life.
She was there when I thought nobody else would be.
But not now. And I feel alone.
In the past, when I’ve felt lonely or scared, it was okay because I knew she was there… What do I do now? Where do I go from here?
I guess the only place I can go is forward, and hope that somewhere along the road I’m walking, she’ll be there waiting, wondering where I went. I would like to think that she’s just waiting for the right moment and then all will be okay again, that maybe there’s something she can’t yet tell me…
Who am I kidding? Maybe I’m just destined to have people walk in and out of my life without a care. I’m so hurt.
I have a wonderful support network around me from all of the other July ’13 mummies I have met both online and some in person throughout the last year and they really are wonderful… I will hopefully carve out some pretty meaningful friendships with each and every one of them, but will I be able to regain a shred of what I have lost? Probably not. Will I be able to fill the gaps with a new kind of connection?
Time itself is the only thing which can answer that question.
My heart and soul are screaming out tonight. Begging for some kind of comfort…
Lacrimosaangel~ Eyes on me 